As moms or moms-to-be, we've all been in situations where we didn't know how to act, or how to react, what to say, or what to do. Stephanie Elliot is a self-proclaimed humorist and expert on the subject of parenting and pregnancy. In a three-and-a-half year time frame, she spent approximately 150 weeks attempting conception, gestating, laboring, delivering, recovering from one C-section, coming out of a 'birthing coma', doing it all over again (the second time vaginally), and then a third time, just for the heck of it. And now she's raising those three kids to the best of her abilities.
Stephanie hopes her insight will make you laugh, or at least help you feel a little less stressed as you navigate your way through the challenges you face day-to-day. So, ask away—on any parenting or pregnancy topic—and she'll tell it like it is, with wit and wisdom, snark and soul, Manic Mommy style!
Manic Mommy tries to answer all of your questions within 14 days.
Disclaimer: This website is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed on this website are the views of individual writers and internet users and are not necessarily the views of BettyConfidential.com and/or Desha Productions, Inc. The content on this website is not a substitute for medical, psychiatric, or any other health services, and any individual requiring the care or supervision of a health care professional should seek professional assistance immediately.
Just Another Manic Mommy
DNA Stands for Don't Know Answer!
Dear Manic Mommy: I was pregnant when my ex-husband asked me to do a DNA test for my second child. The test results showed that he was not the father. Could me being pregnant with the baby that's not his affected the testing results?
Manic Mommy: I don't think so, but this is not a question I would really know the answer to. You should contact the place where you had the testing done and ask the staff there. Sorry I can't help you on this one.
Just Another Manic Mommy
+ or - I'm Not Sure!
Dear Manic Mommy: I took two pregnancy tests and they said positive, but I took two more the next morning and they said negative. Can I still be pregnant?
Manic Mommy: You could be. I would suggest you go to your doctor and request a blood test to know for sure. Good luck to you.
Just Another Manic Mommy
The Baby Weighting Game
Dear Manic Mommy: I just wondered how close your children are together. How did you lose the weight? I am really struggling to lose even the slightest bit of weight, and my baby is three months old!
Manic Mommy: Hi there! My first two kids are almost exactly 18 months apart; my son was nine months old when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter (that still shocks me today!). Then, our third child came along exactly to the day, two years and four months from when our daughter was born. I had three kids ages 3 and under. And lived to tell the tale! Let's see what the high school years bring!
Now, about that weight problem, cut yourself some slack - some major slack! You barely got out of the hospital! You're still getting up five or six times in the middle of the night probably. Don't worry about it ... OK, you can worry about it, because I know we women always worry about it.
I don't have a secret or any good news because my kids are now 11, 9 and 7 and every day is still a battle for me (should I eat a Snickers bar or shouldn't I?).
But what did work for me after my last kid when I gained a whopping 60 pounds with him (thanks a lot, Luke!), was the fabulous Weight Watchers program, which I am still doing. I took off 62 pounds back then (put some back on, then went back on the program again, etc, etc.), but after trying every single thing out there, I find that gives me the most satisfaction out there. Because if I want that dang Snickers bar, I can still have one on the Weight Watchers plan, it just has to be a mini one! Good luck, and really, take it easy on yourself; your baby is still so young, and your body is still recovering from pregnancy, labor and childbirth!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Is Blood Type a Factor?
Dear Manic Mommy: My daughter is A positive and her husband is O negative. Will there be a problem when she gets pregnant? My sister and her husband were positive and negative and she almost lost her baby!
Manic Mommy: I don't know about blood types but I haven't heard anything out of the ordinary about mixing blood types and pregnancy, although I would have your daughter discuss her concerns with her doctor. I'm sorry that I can't help with your question.
Just Another Manic Mommy
Niece is a Baby Factory!
Dear Manic Mommy: I have a 28-year-old niece who is currently pregnant with her fourth child. She is not married, and her health is not good. This is actually her sixth pregnancy. She is not on any drugs that I am aware of. I feel she needs some sort of counseling due to the fact she cannot financially take care of the three children she has, let alone go through this fourth pregnancy. Her parents are beside themselves. Is this some sort of control thing with her body? What can I suggest to my brother as to how to get her help? I am trying hard not to interfere, but I think they are at their wit's end. Any info you can provide will be most appreciated.
Manic Mommy: There's a lot missing here. Is she a good mom to her children? Is she present? Is the father or fathers of the children around? She cannot take care of the children she currently has so the first thing that comes to mind is to get this woman on the Depo Provera birth control shot or have her taken in to get her tubes tied! I think there's more going on here, and I think it's wise for you to get involved. Sounds like she definitely needs some help or counseling of some sort, and it would NOT be interfering for you to jump in and make it known to your brother that it's time for some sort of family intervention. Maybe deep down, she would welcome it. You're a very considerate family member to be concerned. It worries me for the kind of life the children will have if their mother continues on this path of destruction. My advice is to get involved and do so right away; and hopefully, she will thank you for it. I am certain her children will.
Just Another Manic Mommy
15 and Possibly Pregnant
Dear Manic Mommy: How can you tell if you are pregnant? I pretty much went through all the symptoms of early pregnancy but the thing is everyone asks me have I had my period and my response is that it's not around my time yet so I'm not able to answer that. And then it's like I think I am pregnant but I've been going through a lot of emotional stress and I think I'm experiencing threatened miscarriage. I would love to go to the doctor but I'm only 15 and I'm not sure how to go on my own and I can't tell my parents yet. So if it's only been like two weeks, can a pregnancy test detect it?
Manic Mommy: You'll have to wait it out until you're expecting your period and then take an early pregnancy test. Check the back of the box to know when you can take the test. And please, in the future, use birth control. You don't say anything about being in a serious relationship in your email, and this worries me. At the age of 15, there is so much to do, and you'll have plenty of time to be a mother later. If in fact you do discover you are pregnant, please tell your parents, and contact Planned Parenthood or call 1-800-230-PLAN.
Just Another Manic Mommy
Leukorawhat?
Dear Manic Mommy: I am five weeks pregnant and I feel like I am leaking from the vagina but nothing is on my underwear when I look. Is this normal?
Manic Mommy: You'll definitely want to bring this up to your doctor, but from what you're describing it sounds like it's leukorrhea, which is normal vaginal discharge during pregnancy. And until you're pregnant, you probably never even heard of it before, right? Now you have a new word to add to your vocabulary! Try to include it into your next dinner conversation! And congratulations on the pregnancy! Leukorrhea's just one of the fun things to look forward to in the coming weeks!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Teething Trauma!
Dear Manic Mommy: Hi there, I am the mother of a 13-month-old daughter. She is generally a good girl but recently she has been cutting six teeth at once. The teeth have cut through, but on top of that she has developed a viral infection which seems to have manifested itself amongst other things as a rash.
Since she has been ill she has become so clingy to me, which she never was before, and she has started to refuse food, knocking it out of my hands and will only eat other people's food. She will not go near family members that she usually adores; she has become constantly uptight, moody and all round miserable, topped off with a constant whining that makes every muscle is my neck tighten up! I just want my little girl back and I would be grateful for any advice you could give me!
Thanks, Lisa Smith
Manic Mommy: Dear Lisa, teething SUCKS with a capital S! I remember my precious Ajers at about 15 months started bashing his head against his crib, causing forehead bruises, because his teeth hurt so bad. He wouldn't eat, didn't sleep at night, and all the drooling did cause a rash on his chin and a miserable attitude for a long while! As with any phase, it will get better, and then yes, something else will come along, and you'll probably wish back to those "easy days" when the only problem was when your little baby was teething!
Some suggestions to make your daughter more comfy - Baby Orajel on her gums, Tylenol or Motrin. Stick a wet clean washcloth in the freezer and let her chew on it when it freezes. Or give her a frozen bagel or soft pretzel to gnaw on. I hope this soon passes and your precious baby starts feeling better! I know it's no fun!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Could I Be?
Dear Manic Mommy: Hi! Wow you're one blessed women first of all! I just wanted to ask you this question: The last time I had sex was on June 19 and didn't get my period till June 30 and now it's August 7. I haven't had sex since then. Do you think there is a possible chance I can be pregnant?
Manic Mommy: Hi! Thank you! I love my kids and do feel blessed, that's so nice of you to say! I'm not sure about your question. I'm guessing that if you last had sex on June 19 and got your period on June 30, then you're probably not pregnant. But, if you still haven't had another period since then, well then I would take a test to be sure of it. Sometimes with a pregnancy, there can be bleeding in the beginning, called implantation bleeding - was your period on June 30 a full-fledged period? If you still haven't gotten your period, I would definitely take a test to find out! Good luck to you and I hope you get the outcome you want!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Was I Ovulating?
Dear Manic Mommy: If you had sex two days after your period ended can you become pregnant or is it just when you ovulate? Please respond as soon as possible.
Manic Mommy: This answer depends on when you ovulate. A woman usually ovulates around the middle of her cycle, and if you have a 28-day cycle, this may mean around the 14th day counting from the day YOU STARTED your period. So, if you started your period on August 2, you may ovulate on August 16, or possibly a couple of days earlier. Of course, ovulation occurs at different times for all women. Check out the American Pregnancy Association's Ovulation Calendar to give you a better idea. If I were to guess though, on the information you've provided, I would hedge my bets on you being safe, especially if you have a short period. But please, use birth control in the future. It's not worth it if you don't want to become pregnant!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Am I pregnant?
Dear Manic Mommy: I am wondering if I am pregnant. I have missed my period, my breasts are sore but tingly, and I am cramping mildly - I have been for a few days actually. I have not been bleeding, but I have been leaking clear fluid. What do you think?
Manic Mommy: I think that by now you have either gotten your period or you have your answer. I hope it's the one you wanted!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Have any good advice?
Dear Manic Mommy: I just found out I'm pregnant. This is my first child. Is there any advice you can give me?
Manic Mommy: First of all, congratulations! The best advice I have for a newly pregnant woman is that you will get advice from EVERYONE! The lady in line at the post office, your mother, your neighbor, your brother's sister's cousin's uncle's hairdresser! Everyone has something to say, even if you DON'T ask for advice! So, my best advice is to just listen to what everyone has to say, but then do what feels right for you and what feels right for your body! And the same goes for when your baby arrives - do what feels right for YOU and your BABY! Congratulations!
Just Another Manic Mommy
My son got his girlfriend pregnant
Dear Manic Mommy: My teenage son recently got his girlfriend pregnant. They were very upfront with telling us about it, but of course my husband and I can't help but be angry and upset with them both for letting this happen. We have had many conversations with them about how to prevent this. However, as angry as we are, we want to be able to help them emotionally and in every way that we can. Can you give us any pointers?
Manic Mommy: First, wow, I think you and your husband are amazing for being so strong and supportive during this obviously difficult time in your lives. And also, I think it's very mature of your son and his girlfriend to be upfront with you. It sounds as if everyone is ready to do what's best and right for this baby, which is terrific.
As for some pointers for you all, I think it's important to make sure they both are able to complete high school. And that they both take responsibility for their baby. I can see how in situations like this, if there is ever a break-up, the mother might take on more of the responsibilities. (A book that comes to mind is Slam
I also think, and as sad as this might be, that your son and his girlfriend have forfeited some of their own opportunities, and they need to be prepared for that and reminded of that. They will now soon be parents. And as we parents know, we never come first anymore. Good luck. I wish you all the best, and no matter what happens, please keep in mind there is no miracle more amazing than the miracle of a baby - and this one will be YOUR grandbaby!
Just Another Manic Mommy
I drank a lot!
Dear Manic Mommy: I'm pregnant but don't know how far along. During my 21st birthday I was unaware that I was with-child, so I drank a lot and now I'm wondering if that will affect the baby?
Manic Mommy: Remember, I'm not a doctor, and I've never played one on TV. I will tell you that with all three of my children, I drank alcohol socially until I knew I was pregnant. In fact, with my third child, I took a test, it came out negative, I went out that night and drank a bottle of wine. The next week, I still hadn't gotten my period and I tested again. This time, the test was positive. I think this happens to many women. As long as you STOP drinking alcohol once you discover you are pregnant, I think you should be OK. I do not think it's a good idea to drink alcohol while pregnant.
Just Another Manic Mommy
How soon can I find out?
Dear Manic Mommy: What is the earliest I can find out I'm expecting?
Manic Mommy: Usually, right around when you should be expecting your period. Consult the back of an early pregnancy test box to find out how early you can test for pregnancy.
Just Another Manic Mommy
Am I pregnant?
Dear Manic Mommy: Hi, my name is Samantha and I wanted to know if there are any ways of knowing if you're pregnant before the two weeks? I've been peeing a lot and have experienced weird feelings in my stomach. I have also noticed that I've been eating a lot.
Manic Mommy: Hi Samantha, many pregnancy symptoms may mimic period symptoms and there's really no way of knowing if you're pregnant before your period is expected. Hopefully by now, you've either gotten your period or you're late and you've taken an early pregnancy test and have your answer.
Just Another Manic Mommy
My mom will flip out!
Dear Manic Mommy: I think I'm pregnant and I don't know how to tell my mom. She thinks I'm still a virgin and I'm scared she is going to flip out on me and I don't want that.
Manic Mommy: You think you're pregnant but you're not sure, and you're scared that your mom will flip out because she thinks you're still a virgin, and you don't want that? Well, I know that can be a scary feeling, but so can single parenthood at a young age. But for now, you don't even know for sure if you are pregnant, so there's no point in panicking at the moment. Let's just say you're not pregnant. If that's the case, you should start thinking about making some smarter choices - use birth control every time and consider this as your free lesson. If you are pregnant, it's time to talk to your mom and let her flip out, because her flipping out is going to be the least of your concerns in the long run. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you are not pregnant, and that in the future you'll be able to make smart decisions for your future.
Just Another Manic Mommy
I Like Her, But Not Her Kid!
Dear Manic Mommy: How do I tell a very dear friend that I can't stand the behavior of her toddler? It is really difficult because my husband and I work really hard on keeping our toddlers disciplined and well-behaved, and every time we are around my good friend's kid, my kids pick up bad habits and manners. Any suggestions on how I can talk to my friend about her child's inappropriate behavior?
Manic Mommy: Unfortunately, I don't think you can tell your friend you can't stand her child's behavior. Not if you want to still be friends with her. The most you might be able to do is to drop hints, such as, "Doesn't it bother you when the boys kick and scream like that?" Lump them all together and maybe you can discuss it as if it's a joint problem so she doesn't see it as just her child being singled out (even though we all know it is her kid behaving badly!). Then, you could say, "How do you think we could stop them from behaving this way; it is so frustrating, and I'm not able to enjoy your company." If you take this subtle approach, you can at least gauge her reaction and see if it will spark a discussion, and you'll also be able to see if she is completely clueless to her son's behavior. Maybe she'll say, "You're right, I don't know what to do about Johnny's behavior!"
If she doesn't take your subtle hints or just doesn't care that her son behaves like an animal, then maybe the next time she wants to get together, you have to be less subtle and say, "You know, the last time the kids were all together, my boys were just really rambunctious (don't you just love that word?!), so I told them they've got to rethink their behavior until they can play with Johnny again."
If these suggestions seem too drastic and you're afraid that doing any of them will adversely affect your relationship with your friend, then you might just have to bite your tongue and give the kid the evil eye when his mom isn't looking.
And when you part ways, you should very strongly reinforce your family rules to your children, and let them know you will not tolerate behavior like that. When my kids are around kids whose behavior I don't agree with, I like to tell them that they've learned a very good lesson from so-and-so, and that is exactly what not to do!
Good luck, and I'm very interested to hear how this turns out!
Just Another Manic Mommy
I Found a Thong!
Dear Manic Mommy: My daughter is 13 and she is a great child. The only this is she's starting to do some things, like her grades have been dropping, and I found a thong on her. She said it was because she was getting teased at school because people could see her underwear lines through her pants. And on top of that, I don't know whether or not I should let her wear eyeliner. What should I do?
Manic Mommy: You know, I think you answered it right off the bat with stating the very obvious fact that your daughter is a great child. And that's the point you have to remember. She is a great child. Also, that she is a teenager! The fact that my daughter is only nine is awesome because I feel that I am learning so much from your questions, so when my darling Diva comes home with her first thong (and believe me, she will!), I will be fully prepared!
The thong thing. I really do think it might be a standard piece of clothing for teens these days, and really, the underwear lines line has some validity to it. A good friend of mine has a daughter who plays on the high school volleyball team and the exact same thing happened to her. She came home one day with a thong because everyone else could see the lines through the Spandex volleyball shorts she had to wear during games.
It sounds like your daughter is just being 13, and trying to fit in. It can be so tough, and there's so much peer pressure, and if her biggest issues are really just underwear and eyeliner, I'd say you are doing some pretty good parenting so far! As for the grades, I'd make a deal with her - have her get her grades back up to where they should be, and then let her wear the makeup.
I think the important thing here is the fact that you are communicating with her, and that you keep those lines of communication open, especially in these difficult years of growing up. Let her know you're concerned. Let her know you're willing to listen to what's going on in her life, and that you want to work to come up with a solution that will be appropriate for her age.
Just Another Manic Mommy
Play Date, Schmay Date
Dear Manic Mommy: Question: At what age do you think it's OK for children to have play dates on their own - meaning you just drop them off at someone's house? Am I going to sound paranoid and crazy if I ask every mother if they have guns in the house and a host of other questions?
Manic Mommy: I haven't gotten any Manic Mommy hate mail yet, but I fear this one might spark some. I might just be the meanest mom in the world when it comes to play dates at other kids' homes. Here's the deal: If I know the parents well, if they are neighbors or very good friends, I am all for the play date. Take my kids for eight hours. Take them overnight! Take them camping for a week!
If I have never heard of the kid, have no idea what the parents do for a living, what kind of liquor they keep in their liquor cabinets, or how many firearms they've got loaded in their home, well then, nah, my kid doesn't need to play with your kid.
Of course, though, if my kid is invited to a new friend's home, and I'm not sure about it, I will definitely have that child to my house first. Or suggest we all go somewhere locally together so I can scope out the situation to make sure this is the kind of kid I want my child hanging with.
So, my answer to you, my dear, is NO, YOU ARE NOT PARANOID! Unless, of course, your kid is 26 and still living at home, but then we've got other issues to deal with!
There are enough children for my kids to play with (including their own siblings) in our own neighborhood, and enough families that I know and trust and love, that they don't need any more friends. (And I sure as heck am not making any right now, am I?) My kids are 10, nine and seven, and to me, that's still too young to be at a strange home where they are not comfortable with the adults; where they are not familiar with the rules or the dangers in the home or the area. I don't allow my kids to walk to the park in our own neighborhood; how can I be sure another parent would feel the same way? Too risky. They're my kids. I adore them. I don't want anything to happen to them. Call me paranoid. Call me a mean mom. Just don't call me for a play date unless we know each other!
Just Another Manic Mommy
My Boys Won't Settle Down!
Dear Manic Mommy: I have two boys, eight and five, and they are on their summer holiday. I am finding it extremely hard to get them to settle at night. I can get them in their beds, but every time I leave the room, they start play fighting and generally being hyper. This behavior carries on into the wee small hours, sometimes until four in the morning! I do wake them up pretty early, but it doesn't make any difference. I would greatly appreciate any advice or tips.
Manic Mommy: My boys are 10 and seven and I'm telling ya, little boys remind me of lion cubs out in the wild, all rough and tumbling, scratching and fighting and crawling all over each other just because they can! They are totally different animals than girls, and I know how it is, and it's whacky crazy, and I can't tell you how often I scream at the boys to stop killing each other. You know exactly what I mean too; I know you do!
My boys share a room too, and they get a little boisterous at bedtime too. Is there any way you can separate them at bedtime? You could put the younger one in your bed to initially fall asleep and then move him later, after his older brother falls asleep. They wouldn't be able to play fight or be hyper if they are not in the same room together.
It sounds like they could use the extra sleep, and so could you! Hopefully, this is just a summer holiday thing, and when school starts back up, they'll get back into a nice routine with homework and sports and lots of class work and they'll be too tired to play around at night! I know I can't wait for my little lion cubs to get back into the routine of school and a normal bedtime!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Feeling the Pressure to Procreate
Dear Manic Mommy: I have been married for over two years and my husband and mom are pressuring me to have children. I personally have not been "bitten" by the pregnancy bug and cannot foresee it in the next three to four years. Everyone around me is claiming that will be too old to start. What is your advice? Should we start because of some fake time clock or should we wait till I feel the urge? Will I ever feel the urge?
Sincerely, Feeling the Pressure
Manic Mommy: Dear Feeling the Pressure, this one has me in a quandary, because if you read a recent question I answered titled Dad or Not, I urged the writer to start his family immediately. (As a side note, to which I really was not sure when I answered that question, Dad or Not was none other than my own brother, looking for advice! We'll see if he fires up a little niece or nephew for me any time soon!)
One very important detail you left out is your age. Let's pretend you are 24 or younger. Then my answer (and this is based on my own personal feelings as a mom and a woman - and reading between the lines of your question) would be to definitely wait. In my opinion, you still have some time. You've only been married two years; you and your husband should enjoy your time together.
On the flip side, let's pretend you are on the verge of 30. I would still say to not rush into it. While the answer to Dad or Not was definitely start trying for a family, I sense you are really not ready. Dad or Not, aka MY BROTHER, mentioned he and his wife have been discussing the possibility of a family together, and have had conversations about baby names. In your letter, I see no interest on your part to have a baby. And hello! You are the one who will be carrying this child for nine months. You will be experiencing all the symptoms. You need to feel at least a little bit excited about wanting to start your family.
After my husband and I had been married for a few years, he was ready to start our family well before I was. I just wasn't bitten either. And there's nothing wrong with that! You may feel a change in the future, and I hope you will be open to the possibility of a family someday. But for now, please do not get pregnant only because you are feeling the pressure from other people.
Manic Mommy
Dad or Not?
Dear Manic Mommy: WHEN SHOULD WE START? I am just around the corner from turning 30 and my wife is too. We have recently talked about starting a family. We actually have some names picked out. Sometimes we both like the idea and other times we can't imagine having kids. I talk to my siblings and they make it sound like a pain in the A** (up all night, no sleep, no social life, etc). But then I think about my family and my parent's age. My parents are almost 70 and the thought of not having them around for much longer scares me. Recently my father had an accident and I was not sure if he would make it. I see how much enjoyment my parents get when they hang out with us, maybe because I am their favorite child. I wonder if I will have that much fun when I am their age. So I guess the question is what is the right age to start a family so you can a) Still have a fun younger lifestyle or b) Have longer moments with your kids? Just looking for some help!
Thanks, DAD OR NOT
P.S. Do many men write you for help?
Manic Mommy: Dear Dad or Not, first of all, is this my brother asking this question? It sure sounds like it could be, but my baby brother would have made a bunch of typos AND he is clearly NOT my parents' favorite child.
Regardless, it's so cool to have my first ever question from a man, but I'm not so sure you're ready for the answer I'm going to give you, which is this:
START NOW!
Do not even second-guess yourselves...start working on that family now. Like, grab your wife NOW and start doing it! (Okay, you can finish reading this first I guess.)
As a parent, you can still have a lot of fun! Mr. Manic and I have a blast together, with and without the kids (maybe that's how we ended up with 3 in less than 4 years!). I'll tell you the truth, the first few years are hard, really hard. And sleepless nights, dirty diapers and mixing bottles suck, but the rewards of a baby are so worth it. They truly are!
So, don't put off what you know you eventually want, especially when there are no guarantees on when you'll get pregnant. Have fun with it, don't stress out. And don't forget to send me a birth announcement when it's time to share the great news!
Manic Mommy
The Big Belly Grab
Dear Manic Mommy: I'm three months pregnant and one of the women at work has touched my stomach twice without my permission. I was talking about this with my mom and she said that I will probably encounter many people who will also reach out and touch me. I'm not okay with this. How do I tell people politely to keep their hands to themselves?
Thank you, Soon-to-be-Mom
Manic Mommy: Ooh! I love this question because I HATED when it happened to me too! In fact, I remember one time a friend of a friend touched my belly, and this is no lie, after she went at my belly and exclaimed, "Oh wow, you're so big," I then reached out and grabbed at her ta-tas and gave them each a squeeze and said, "Oh wow! So are you!"
Really. I did!
Fortunately, I could get away with it with this friend of a friend, and we had a good laugh, but for some people, they might really be offended if you reached after them and grabbed at some private part of their bodies.
But, wouldn't they really "get the point then?" that your blooming
belly is a personal part of you and that you don't want just anyone grabbing at you just because they think they can?
Now, I realize that my "I'll-grab-you-if-you-grab-me" approach will not work for everyone, so you can always take a more cautious approach: If you sense an offender coming your way with his or her hands set and ready for the big grab (and you can usually tell), just cut ‘em off at the pass, and physically stop them from touching your belly. Put your hands out, reach for their hands, and prevent them from touching you.
Then you can make a joke about it and say something like, "Ooh, I wouldn't
touch! Pregnancy is contagious!" Or, "Whoops! I'm feeling a bit queasy so you might not want to rock the boat!" If they think you might vomit on them, they'll probably be less likely to invade your personal space.
I would hope so anyway.
If you can't stop the person from touching your belly, then suggest to her that since it's obvious she's so eager to touch your baby, might she want to take the first week of 4 a.m. shifts when your little bundle arrives!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Whose Business is my Baby Anyway?
Dear Manic Mommy: I am a single woman and three months pregnant thanks to a fertility bank. Can you please help me on how to answer people when they ask, "Who's the dad?" I don't feel like I should disclose all to casual acquaintances. Also any ideas on what to tell the baby about why he doesn't have a daddy?
Thank you, NH
Manic Mommy: Dear NH-First of all, congratulations for going after what you want and being brave enough to follow your dreams of motherhood! I think it's wonderful! I bet so many women don't look to the opportunities out there whether it is through fertility banks, adoption, or other options for motherhood and I say kudos to you for not forfeiting your chance to become a mother.
As for those people who may be inquiring as to who the father is, I would say it depends on who's asking. I'm sure your close friends and family already know your situation. If it's a casual acquaintance, you can be as vague as you feel comfortable. Use your judgment on how to reply depending on how well you know the person asking. You can say, "Well, I chose Donor #462 because of his high IQ and his blue eyes!" Or tell the person asking honestly that you were ready to become a mom and you hadn't met anyone who lived up to your expectations yet so you're going at it alone. Whatever you do, don't lie about it, and don't ever second-guess the decision you've made!
And I wouldn't worry about what you're going to tell your child about his father at this point. You may very well be involved with someone who will grow to love your child just as much as you do by the time he's old enough to know. If that doesn't happen, you can always just let him know you loved him so much and you knew he was out there and that you were meant to be his mother, which, to me, it's obvious that's the truth!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Help - I need a little respect from my daughter
Dear Manic Mommy: Help! I have a preschool aged child and my husband and I are currently living in separate states but we are still together. He is living out of state due to some temporary work he needs to take care of. Raising my child alone while working full time is killing me. She has begun to bad mouth me and even told me that she hates me. She often cries and says she wants her father and I try to take her to him on the weekends when I can, but the gas has been a murder lately. Anyhow, my husband asked if he can take her to stay with him so that I can get a bit of a break and when he is done with his work in the state he is in, he and our child will come back to me. He suggested that I continue to work and when I am free on a weekend to come and see her. The reason why I have to stay working in my state is because I am the bread winner. Do you think it is a bad choice for my child to be away from me and with her father for the remainder of the time until my hubby comes back home? I don't want her to feel like I am just leaving her with her dad but I have been stressed and can't take care of anything because I am running around all over the place trying to fix things at home and financially. Please tell me I am not being a bad mom.
Manic Mommy: You are NOT a bad mom. If you were, you wouldn't even be asking this question. So, get rid of that thought right away. You're looking out for your child and your family, and times are tough. And probably your daughter is sensing the stress in your lives and feeding off it. She's confused that her father is not there, and that you're working so hard, and that when you come home from work, you've got other stuff to do. I can totally understand how you feel like falling apart. She doesn't hate you. She probably just can't convey her feelings to you and being mean is the only way she can make sense of things.
Just Another Manic Mommy
My Three Sons ... are driving me crazy
Dear Manic Mommy: HELP!! I have three boys, ages 5, 7 and 10, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. They're always getting into trouble. My oldest has issues in school and my youngest has issues at day care. My 7-year-old is the best behaved, for some reason. What am I doing wrong that my kids are considered "terrorists" wherever we go?
Manic Mommy: I'm sorry to hear that you're having troubles with your children, and as a mother of three kids (very close to the same ages of your children), I can understand your woes. Parenting is hard work, and we go through our days always unappreciated! And children can be difficult.
You don't indicate what the issues are that your oldest and your youngest children are facing, so I can't really offer much advice on that. Who's calling your kids "terrorists," or is this just your conclusion? Are they bad kids? Do they have behavioral problems? Do they listen when you tell them to do something?
I wish I could offer some substantial advice or suggestions, but this sounds like a puzzle without all of the pieces. I don't want to leave you hanging or feeling terrible about your children, and I don't want to say it's a stage and they'll grow out of it and become perfect adults. But unless I have more of an idea of what's going on in their lives, there's not much more I can suggest other than maybe talking to their counselors at school or to their pediatrician. I'm sorry, and I wish you the best of luck with them!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Tantrum Throw down
Dear Manic Mommy: At what age do tantrums stop - or should they stop? My son is nearing 5 and I see no sign of them disappearing.
Manic Mommy: I'm not sure if tantrums ever entirely stop. I occasionally have one where I'll slam some doors, race up the stairs and scream at my kids, "I'M GIVING MYSELF A TIME-OUT!" Then I throw myself onto my bed. And I'm 39.
But ideally by the age of 3 or 4, I'd say, tantrums should be winding down and not be a regular occurrence. Most tantrums stem from a baby or toddler being unable to communicate how he's feeling or what's wrong. When a child is at an age where he can't communicate his feelings and is having a tantrum, it's obvious that he's not getting his way, and he's most likely over-exhausted, hungry, over-stimulated, angry and frustrated, but he just can't tell you what's wrong.
At the age of 5, though, your son should be able to articulate his feelings and tell you what's bothering him and why he's upset, and he should be able to do so verbally, without throwing a tantrum or making a scene. I'd say (and please remember I am not a doctor, nor have I ever played one on a soap opera or a Web site) if he's having regular tantrums without any of the obvious reasons I've brought up, it may be time to discuss the situation with your pediatrician.
Of course, throwing yourself onto the ground, flailing your arms all over the place and screaming like a seagull that hasn't eaten in a week might just make him realize how silly he looks, and that could do the trick too. Not that I've ever attempted that. It's just something I've heard about. Really. Okay, my mother did it once. Maybe.
Just Another Manic Mommy
Who's Teaching These Kids What?
Dear Manic Mommy: Help for a childless auntie! I have a 5-and-a-half-year-old nephew, an almost 3-year-old niece and another newborn nephew. My relationship with my brother has been contentious for years, and we're just now reconnecting. I'd like to see my nephews and niece more often, but I'm appalled by my brother's and his wife's parenting style. They think it's funny when the older boy steals money from his mother's purse. My sister-in-law maintains he's "saving it for her." They also told me, while laughing, that he accepts money from other students at school, where he tells them he is poor (his parents own two houses, a travel trailer and a business). He also has begun to use racial epithets, learned from his parents. What's the etiquette for when I visit them? I'd like to get to know the kids, but I won't tolerate that behavior. Can I enforce my own rules for them in my house without confusing the kids or undermining my brother and sister-in-law's ... um ... authority?
Manic Mommy: Yikes. Sometimes these questions and situations just stump me! With all due respect, I don't understand how parents can raise their children like this. So I'm definitely seeing your concern. It's almost like they are condoning thievery, trickery and racism.
I'd say that when you visit them you should speak your mind, but carefully and cautiously. If your nephew says something derogatory, just say, "Oh, that's not a nice word," or, "That's inappropriate." Keep it short, but try to make your point with subtle hints.
I'm guessing you can't really have a heart-to-heart talk with your brother, since you're just now reconnecting. Take things slow, keep an eye on the situation and stay watchful. And I'm not joking when I say watch your wallet during your visits as well.
If they're visiting your house, I'd say they should follow your rules, all the way, as you enforce them. If your brother doesn't agree, he'll either let you know or stop the visits, which will be unfortunate because all you want to do is have a good relationship with your niece and nephews. And to me it sounds like they could use a good role model like you! Lots of luck to you!
Just Another Manic Mommy
They're Dissin' my Kids!
Dear Manic Mommy: I have two sons, identical twins who are 6 years old. They have best friends who are girls, but now the girls are starting to ignore my boys and are playing with other girls. My sons do have friends who are boys, but they get very hurt when the girls don't want to play with them. It's hard to explain this to them, and they still ask to play with the girls and still get turned away. I can't stand to see my sons be hurt in any way. They play baseball and some of the boys are a little wild and rough and call one of my sons names. Nothing nasty, but not nice. I feel like moving away! Any advice?
Manic Mommy: First of all, if I moved away every time my kids got dissed by their friends, I would be a nomad, with no place to call home! So please tell me you're not seriously considering moving away just because your sons' playmates would rather play with girls now. It's natural for girls at this age to gravitate to other girls, and truthfully it's even totally normal for them to think boys are yucky or gross, I'm sorry to say.
I'm sure your boys are hurt, and that's hard on any parent, but what you have to do is reach out to other parents who have children who have the same interests as your sons. And find nice kids! They don't have to play with the wild, rough ones! When my kids have a problem with a friend, I let them know there are about 20 kids in our neighborhood and 20 more they know through school and that I'll be happy to set them up with a play date if they're currently having a friendship problem. I don't expect them to pine away or hold out for just one or two friends until those friends decide they want to be nice to my kids. That gets boring and old!
And as for the girls who no longer feel like playing with your sons, check back with me in about another six or seven years. I'll bet you the girls will be hanging out at the end of your driveway, watching your boys shoot hoops without their shirts on. It'll happen. I assure you. And that's when your boys will want nothing to do with the girls. Payback is sweet, isn't it?
Just Another Manic Mommy
Perfect Problem?
Dear Manic Mommy: My son behaves almost perfectly for my husband, but not for me. I am consistent with him, but it doesn't seem to help. Do you have any tips?
Manic Mommy: This is a tough question because it's a little vague. You say you're consistent. And also you say your son behaves "almost perfectly" for your husband. Sounds a lot like how I perceive my family. I feel I am fairly consistent with my kids, yet admittedly I am more of the enabler in the family, so I will threaten and then back down, while my husband says what he means and means what he says. Basically I'm a pushover, a softie, really, really nice. And sometimes I don't like that about my parenting personality. Could this be part of your family's problem?
Do you say something but not stand behind it 100 percent? Or is it just that your son behaves differently for your husband than for you? Another factor is that I don't know your son's age. If he's younger than 4 or 5, I'd say his behavior can be easily adjusted. If he's older, he may already be able to manipulate his way to get what he wants and his behavior is already a habit.
Regardless you and your husband should take a united front and figure out a joint way to consistently discipline and reward. This will help your son to understand what is expected of him and how he needs to behave for both of you.
Just Another Manic Mommy
My Child is Hyperactive!
Dear Manic Mommy: I have a 4-year-old daughter who is beyond hyper and does not like to sleep or nap. I have talked to her doctors, and they told me it's just a phase and that, once in a while, a little Benadryl will calm her down when she is extremely hyper. I have tried time-outs, sitting her on the naughty step, taking away her toys and anything that has to do with fun, but she's still hyper. She can't sit still for more than a minute. She jumps on my back and plays with everything. I can't even use the restroom without fearing that she'll destroy something or make a phone call. (I am not going to get into her making an international call in an attempt to talk to her cousins in another state.) That one blew my lid. Anyway, can you please suggest what I can do to calm my child down so that I can enjoy being around her? Thanks!
Manic Mommy: I think every child displays some sort of hyperactivity at some point, but what you're describing sounds like it is constant and exhausting! I'm sorry for that. Does your daughter ever slow down? Does she ever do quiet activities? Does she enjoy coloring, watching TV, doing puzzles or playing by herself? If you answer no to all of these questions, then I think that maybe there's more to this.
Could she be vying for your attention? I'm assuming she's an only child. It seems like there might be some other factors missing here. Are there other things causing her to act this way? Do you work outside of the home, and does she have very little time with you? Perhaps when you're together, she just wants to be around you. Or are you home with her all day long and this is just how she acts? These are some of the questions that need to be answered. I would say if you're gone most of the time (at a full-time job while she's in day care, maybe?), and this is how she acts when you are together, then she is just craving your attention.
Aside from the long-distance phone call, what else has she done to warrant the time-outs, the naughty step and other punishments? Are you punishing her just because she is being hyper and cannot sit still? I think you have to take into consideration the reasons that you are punishing her as well.
Look around and try to see things through her eyes. Have things recently changed for her, such as a big move or a new family situation? Is something new happening in your life that might be affecting her in a different way? Something scary in a 4-year-old's life might not seem scary to an adult. I don't know the whole scenario, so it's difficult for me to gauge what's going on, but I wonder if she is just searching for attention.
I hate to say that she will probably outgrow it, because I certainly know that is not what you need to hear. If your doctors are telling you it's just a phase, but you're not buying it, you are her mother, and I am a firm believer in Mother's Instincts so go with your gut judgment and if you feel the need for further treatment, if I were you, I would ask your doctor to recommend a specialist for your daughter. Good luck!
Just Another Manic Mommy
Big Mouth Mommies?
Dear Manic Mommy: How do you handle bragging parents? I have a 22-month-old, and some of my friends talk nonstop about how advanced their children are. I am happy for them and for their genius children, but it is getting old.
Manic Mommy: This one is an easy one! You be thankful you are not a bragging parent and you just smile and say “How lovely!” every time those parents start to brag about their children. And while you’re smiling and telling them how lovely their children are, simply hold your own brilliant child in your arms and know secretly that yours is way smarter than theirs is — because you know that a bragging parent has something seriously lacking.
Just Another Manic Mommy
Disney or Bust?
Dear Manic Mommy: I have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. My parents live nearby, have a great relationship with them and are our primary babysitters (plus child care every Thursday). I am going out of town with my husband for a wedding in May. My parents volunteered to watch the kids. Then they decided to take them to Florida. Then they decided to go to Orlando. Then they decided to go for 10 days. (We’ll only be gone for three and a half of those.) The plane tickets were booked by the time I found out about these plans. Then they decided to do Disney. I haven’t done Disney with the kids, and I really want to be the one to take them to Disney for the first time. My parents don’t get that, and they have no sense of boundaries. Knowing that I can’t blow them off or restrict their access, how do I get them to recognize our boundaries and respect them?
Manic Mommy: Wow. I mean, wow. When I first read this, I was floored. And I hate Disney with a passion and used to always joke that if my kids ever wanted to go to Disney, the grandparents would have to take them. But even as much as the idea of Disney made me cringe, just the experience of seeing the joy on your own children’s faces as they meet Mickey and the princesses for the first time is something parents should get to have firsthand, not on the video your parents bring home.
I think this is over-the-top boundary breaking for a parent to do to a grown child. I’m trying to see both sides. I’m sure your parents are wonderful, doting, loving, caring, giving parents who want absolutely nothing but THE best for your kids. But there are boundaries, and this is clearly a case of the invisible pet fence with dogs running around without their electric collars on. (With all due respect to your parents, I’m not saying they’re dogs; I’m just saying they are not respecting the invisible fence that is a your right to put up when it comes to certain boundaries and expectations.)
At this point, I’m guessing you can’t ask them not to take your kids on this vacation. The plans have been made. I do think you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with them, though, so they can start respecting you as the parent and primary decision maker for what you will or won’t allow for your children. And their taking your children away for 10 days — and out of the state, no less — without first clearing it with you is a big deal, in my book.
Just Another Manic Mommy
C-Section Times Two?
Dear Manic Mommy: My daughter had a C-section with her first baby and is thinking of having a vaginal birth with her second. Would you recommend this, or is a C-section easier the second time around?
Thank you, Patrice
Manic Mommy: Hi Patrice — I think it’s so nice of you to be concerned for your daughter! Well, honestly, I don’t know if a C-section is easier a second time around, since I didn’t have a second C-section. I imagine it is, because with almost anything, doing it the second time around (even experiencing pregnancy!) is easier than the first becau