Ladies - Do you want to know what men are thinking?
Maybe it's time to ask some REAL GUYS for some REAL advice. These men are your insiders to the male mind, and they are not afraid to talk frankly about why men do what they do. And you won't believe their reasons... and what YOU can do to figure them out!
ASK REAL GUYS is led by Steven Gaffney who has been in the trenches conducting communication seminars for Fortune 100 companies. For over 14 years, Steven has helped thousands of people save their relationships, strengthen their marriages, and reshape their lives.
The "guys" of ASK REAL GUYS try to answer all of your questions within 14 days.
Disclaimer: This website is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed on this website are the views of individual writers and internet users and are not necessarily the views of BettyConfidential.com and/or Desha Productions, Inc. The content on this website is not a substitute for medical, psychiatric, or any other health services, and any individual requiring the care or supervision of a health care professional should seek professional assistance immediately.
ASK REAL GUYS
I am dating a married man
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I am in love with a married/separated man who lied to me in the beginning of our relationship. When I found out about his situation it was too late. I'm head over heels for him and I don't know what to do.
Steven: First, I am not sure what your question is here. However, if he is married and trying to work things out with his wife and/or she is trying to work things out with him, stay clear of the situation. Then, you need to ask yourself, what would you want someone in your situation to do if they were in your shoes? Remember what goes around comes around. If he is in fact cheating on his wife, the odds are high that he will do the same to you in the future. Past behavior can be an indication of future behavior. If this is the case, is this really the future you want for yourself?
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Is my boyfriend addicted to phone-sex?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I am 56-years-old and three years ago I met a man on a phone-sex chat line. I love him, and I moved from Georgia to Wisconsin to be with him. He says he loves me, and we have had sex maybe 10 times in the three years that we've been together. I am fit, good looking, very open-minded and patient. He watches porn but hides it, despite the fact that I have told him I enjoy it. I gave him a lingerie show with 13 outfits thinking he would get into it, but he said it just frustrated him. I offered to participate in phone sex with him, but he declined. He hides his cell phone bill - monthly about $300 - all due to the sex lines, which he denies calling. I have been to counseling to try to understand him and myself, though he refuses to go. My problem is that he uses the sex line weekly, and although he claims to be attracted to me he won't make love to me. He is not a physically affectionate man, and he is very emotionally unavailable. I know he has been giving out his phone number to females on the sex line because I saw the phone bills. He seems to be angry all the time and he keeps lying to me about the phone lines. Do you think he is a phone sex addict? How can I get some help in understanding why he does not physically desire me? He refuses to give or receive oral sex, stating he has never liked it. He says we are in a committed relationship, but he talks to females from the sex line constantly. I have actually called these women and some say he simply wants phone sex, and others say he just wants to talk.
I asked him why he does this and he says that he can talk to them about things he can not talk to me about. He has insurance, so maybe he can get some mental health counseling? How can I get him to be physically and emotionally affectionate with me? Also, why do you think he likes to watch videos of women masturbating but he won't accept when I offer to? I just don't understand why he can't give up the phone sex. Please help!
Steven: The question that you are asking yourself and me is not the bigger and most important question that you should be asking. You should be instead asking yourself why you are hanging on to a situation that clearly sounds like it is not meeting your needs. It also sounds like the qualities he is exhibiting are not qualities that you really want in a man. Why are you hanging on to someone that is lying as well as all of the other issues that you have described? You may want to consider really looking at yourself in regards to your own self-esteem and self-worth. If you do not take a stand for yourself and what you want, you are not going to get it. You obviously deserve much better, and I am confused as to why you don't see this? Consider getting the help you need for the life you want. You deserve it.
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Does he love me enough to marry me?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: How do I know if I am his one and only? He says he wants to be with me for life, but will he ever ask me to marry him?
Steven: Without knowing all of the details regarding your situation, it is hard to answer this question, however, I will try. I suggest having an upfront and honest conversation with your boyfriend. Find out what his intentions are for the future. At the same time, express clearly what you want and your intentions for the future. If you have a time frame be upfront with that as well.
Sometimes people assume that their needs will automatically be met in a relationship without ever clearly voicing those needs. Then when those needs are not met they are both hurt and confused, in turn causing stress on the relationship, which could irreparably mess it up. If you are clear about what you want and expect from the relationship, there should be no confusion. It is much better to find out these types of things as soon as possible so that you can evaluate what makes the most sense for you and your life.
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My fiancé kissed my best friend
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I have been with my fiancé for almost four years and he recently cheated on me with my best friend. Well my friend came to me and said that it was only a kiss, and that my fiancé regrets it. She also passed along the message that he loves me, and that he ran to her after I was mean to him. What do I do? I love him so much.
Steven: People make mistakes all the time. The key to answering your question is if this is a pattern or just a hiccup and a one-time mistake. The fact that he did this with your best friend and did not tell you the truth himself may indicate other potential issues and problems. What you need to ask yourself, as with any trust issue; what is going to be different in the future? My suggestion is to have an upfront and honest conversation to find the answer to this question so that you can determine what makes the most sense to you and what you need to do to move forward. Also, when making your decision on how to handle this, you need to ask yourself how do you know that it ended with just a kiss?
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Sleeping with a friend
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I have a really good guy friend who has been friends with me for a little over a year. Although we are not in a relationship, we have been sleeping together behind everyone's back from the get-go. I enjoy hanging out with him even though it's mostly about sex these days. He talks to lots of other girls who I am associated with and I cover his back for him at times. I really can't see myself dating him, as I do not love him, but I do like the sex. I'm wondering why I continue to run around with him when I know that it's not going anywhere. Can you tell me why I'm still in the picture if he has other girls on the side?
Steven: First of all, it is very important that you talk to him about this. Secondly, it sounds like the relationship you are in with this person is a classic "friends-with-benefits" situation. If this works for you and makes you happy, who am I or anyone else to judge if it is not hurting or affecting anyone else. But, if you are only settling you may want to take a closer look at this "relationship". Just make sure you live your life in a way that makes you very happy and gets you where you want to go...
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Making the first move
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I have recently become attracted to a man that I've known for seven months, so I have started to pursue him as a friend. We've spent time together at several social gatherings and we have been e-mailing back and forth. He is smart, funny, and I think I come across the same to him. He is 37 and I'm 45. I've been with him once in person, one-on-one, for two hours at his house and did my best to get physically close to him with flirting and such. Unfortunately I'm finding it hard to get him to do the same. He has only experienced one serious relationship in his life which lasted six months, and I would love to get to the next level with him, without changing his life. I'm not looking to marry or live with anyone, as I like my space. I just don't know where to go from here because I've never made the first move and need something from him to go one to even try. Neither of us has much experience in the relationship department, and I am super shy. I have a feeling that he is self-conscious about his weight, but even then I can't get that out of him. What should I do next?
Steven: Talk to him about it. I understand that you may be shy but it does not sound like he is stepping up and willing to talk about it. It sounds like you need to make the first move to discuss this. Otherwise, you can keep hoping that it will change and just maybe that hope will turn into reality. But then again, that hope could just be a waste of time. Generally good things can happen by having an open and honest conversation because this allows you to find out the truth about how he really feels. Then once you know the truth you can decide what makes the most sense for you or if you are just wasting your time.
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Anal Stimulation
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I would like to try sticking my finger in my boyfriend's bum but have never done it - to any man - and am afraid to try. In not so many words he has said that he wouldn't mind, but I'm afraid of messing it up. What should I do?
Steven: People have all kinds of likes and dislikes and this sounds like a very intimate and private matter. My suggestion is to talk and handle this question directly with him.
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Why is he acting so aloof?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I met a man on an international flight a few months ago; he lives in France and I am currently living in the US. I am actually in the process of relocating, although I had plans to do so long before I met him. He calls me every morning and evening, and we talk for hours. I have been unable to fly out to see him because of my job, and he has made no attempt to come visit me - even if only for a few days. I have asked him why he refuses to hop on the next flight over here, and I jokingly suggested that perhaps he's worried about me trapping him in a secluded area for a prolonged period of time. I am falling for him, and don't know how to deal with his standoffishness. I'm a very honest person and do not enjoy playing games.
Steven: If you are very honest, you may want to be honest and share this question that you are asking me, with him. One thing to consider is that actions generally speak louder than words. If he is not making an effort to see you or to develop a deeper, less superficial relationship with you, than you may already have your answer. Although, this may not be the answer you want. Also, long distance relationships are generally difficult for people because of the obvious reasons. It can allow a man who may be a player to "play" a lot without you knowing it. Bottom-line, talk to him about it and be clear on what you want. Take care to be aware and observant of how he responds to your conversation as this could give you clues on whether or not he is trying to "play" you.
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My boyfriend can't express himself
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I've been with my boyfriend for two months; we were friends for five months prior to getting together. I really love him but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him, because he is always so negative. The entire time that I've known him he has complimented me on four separate occasions. I'm feeling uncomfortable and it's irritating that he doesn't express himself. I attempt to read him and it feels like I'm constantly trying too hard. I'm a very affectionate person and I am used to showing people how much I love them. My boyfriend has told me that I talk about my feelings too much, and he also said I remind him of the film How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. He doesn't want me to expect him to say "I love you," although I never brought that up. I have shut down completely since that day, and I know that guys are afraid of commitment but I have never tried to tie him down. I want him to start expressing himself, and my question is: am I trying too hard?
Steven: Why are you putting up with a man who does not treat you the way you want and deserve? If you don't stand up for yourself it is unlikely you will ever get what you what. I think it is a common fact that women want to be loved and appreciated which it sounds like what you really want. My suggestion is step up and be clear about your needs that are not being met. Give him a short time frame to turn things around and if he doesn't, find a man that will appreciate you the way you deserve.
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Performance anxiety
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: My boyfriend (28) and I (22) have been going out for a year and a half and we could see ourselves getting married some day. The only problem in our relationship is that my boyfriend has trouble performing sexually due to anxiety, which he takes pills for. I find this difficult to accept because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Sometimes I vent my frustration in front of him when he can't perform, because I really enjoy having sex! My question is: how can I help him with this problem? I love him and am willing to work through this but I don't know where to begin; I have tried everything. He hates talking about it, and I believe he sometimes shies away from my physical affection because he thinks I might want sex - which makes him worry about not being able to please me. When we do make love it is amazing! I want to make things better for both of us, any advice?
Steven: It is clear that you really care about him, and from what you are indicating, he is having a problem that is affecting both of you. I suggest that the both of you seek professional help together. Professional help can teach you how to understand what your boyfriend is going through and ways of dealing with it. Remember, this is not your fault and it has nothing to do with you; it is about him. Having said that, being there for him and being supportive from a place of contribution may help, just do not let this affect your own self-esteem. Bottom-line is this has nothing to do with you and you should not think less of yourself because of his problem.
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What causes men to check out of a relationship?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: Why do men leave women?
Avery: The reason men leave women is that they don't want to be with that person anymore. Sadly, many men (and women) are always looking for the "next best thing." If you are in a great relationship, it will always take a lot of hard work to keep it great.
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Is he cheating?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I have been dating a married man for a year and a half and have been living with him for six months now. Sometimes when he talks to his almost ex he leaves the room, and when he goes to her house to pick up the kids - or to drop them off - he is gone for about four hours. He tells me that I am the only one he wants to be with, but lately he has been surfing dating Web sites looking for women, which makes me feel like I am not good enough. The odd thing is he says that he doesn't deserve me; does this mean that he's messing around? Should I try to let these thoughts go? When I address the issue he just looks at me as if I'm nuts, and then confirms his feelings by saying that I'm crazy.
Avery: Your boyfriend is not being honest with you. He clearly has a lot going on with his soon-to-be ex-wife (which is understandable because they have children together), but obviously there is more going on with her than you currently know about. And the fact that he is searching Web sites looking for women is all the evidence you need to prove that he is interested in other women. Get ready to move on; the end of this relationship is near.
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Am I losing my affair to another woman?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I have been seeing a man for about a year; it is a relationship that is both emotional and sexual. He is presently living with someone, and I am married. He spends a great deal of time with me, and when we aren't together, he calls or texts. I know that we will never leave our current partners, but I am in love with him. I have two questions: one, I noticed that he has been communicating with another woman every day, though he claims that she is just a friend. Should I be worried? Jealous? I already share him with someone and do not fancy the idea of splitting him three ways. My second question is, lately he has been asking for favors - mostly to borrow money - and it makes me feel like I am paying him for his time. Is this normal?
Avery: It sounds like you are in a toxic, cheating relationship. Considering both of you are supposedly committed to other people, neither of you are in ANY healthy relationships. And from the sound of it, the guy you are cheating with is coming on to other women, while he knows you are watching! What kind of a man is this?? A man who is having fun, enjoying himself and is not concerned for other people's feelings. My recommendation: see this guy for what he is and focus on your marriage. If your marriage can be fulfilling again, work on that, if not, move on and find your own happiness.
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What happened to our communication?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: Why doesn't my boyfriend call me 24/7 like he did in the beginning of our relationship?
Avery: Every relationship is always more exciting in the beginning, and as time goes on people "settle in" and get into a certain comfort groove. If your boyfriend still shares his feelings with you and you still feel the same connection with him - despite the fact that he's not calling as much - then just roll with it. If you have a great guy and it's just the lack of calling that's bugging you, get over it and focus on all of the other good stuff!
ASK REAL GUYS
More than just friends?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I have a close guy friend who is nice, funny and attractive. I really enjoy his company, and I recently became aware of the fact that I am falling for him. Unfortunately I am clueless as to how he feels about me, because on the one hand he is very attentive, but on the other he talks to me about women that he is pursuing. An example of this would be a few weeks ago, when he mentioned a lady who is not especially interested in him. We have a great relationship, and he tells me practically everything. I am quite puzzled by his actions, although I wonder if maybe I'm just being too sensitive and his actions don't actually mean anything.
Avery: It sounds like you need to be bold and take the next step. That step is giving him an indication of how you feel. You should ask him out on a weekend night and go to dinner and see how he acts towards you in a social setting. When you're out with him, try something very casual, like touching him on his arm, and see how he reacts. If he's only telling you a little bit about a girl who he was chasing, he may be looking for a reaction from you to see if you like him. Does he know you like him? You may have to work a little harder to give him the signs. You may be pleasantly surprised by his reaction!
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Sexual demands
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: How can I tell if my boyfriend is attracted to me? I'm asking because every time we're about to have sex he tells me to put socks on. I feel like he isn't interested in me, even though he constantly tells me that he is. He is not able to perform sexually unless I wear socks - specifically longer ones - and sometimes when we're in bed he will say that he needs me to wear them in order to ejaculate. We have been together for over four years, and he only recently began demanding that I sport socks during lovemaking. He claims to adore my legs, and I wouldn't mind pleasing him this way if it were once in a while.
Avery: It sounds like your boyfriend has a sexual fetish that involves socks. If you have a terrific relationship in every other area, and you don't find his sock fetish offensive, then just live with it and concentrate on all of the other good and "normal" aspects of your relationship.
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Office romance
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: A coworker and I have been making eye contact and smiling at each other for about a month now. I finally got up the nerve to give him my phone number and he has not called me yet, (it has been nearly a week). I can tell that he is attracted to me as I am to him, and I know that he is not married. Any thoughts as to what is going on in his head? I would really like to get to know him.
Avery: Your friend at work may be nervous to start something with you because if the relationship goes south, you both will have the awkward situation of seeing each other. I think that if you are able to get out of the office with this guy - like going for lunch together - you should give him an indication that you are okay with seeing each other in a social, non work, environment. It sounds like to make something happen, you're going to have to go out on a limb a bit with this guy - and it sounds like it's worth it.
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Should I follow my gut?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I am a fairly attractive, (or at least I've been told) 40-something-year-old woman. I am a hairdresser and have recently noticed some definite chemistry developing between this younger man and I. There is always a lot of smiling and flirtation, and we have a great rapport. A couple of months ago - while I was trimming his hair - he asked if I was his last client for the day, and if I was busy later that night. Because I didn't catch his drift until after he left, I said that I was tired and would probably just go home and crash. Directly before he asked he looked surprisingly frazzled and "wrecked," though I didn't exactly feel like it was my place to say anything. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but now my curiosity is killing me and I think I'm getting a little crush on him. The main issue is that I'm married, not happily mind you, but married nonetheless. I don't know what I'm thinking, and my feelings for him are not going away. I feel trapped in my 15-year marriage; my husband is a total control freak so this flirtation with my boy-client is starting to look rather appealing. I am very intrigued, but also cautious; I never thought of myself as the type to stray. Please help!
Avery: Well, your brain is starting to play with matches, and it's only a matter of time until you get burned! You're married. Stop flirting with this guy! He's already asked you out once, and so if you don't want to start cheating on your husband, then stop paving the way for him to take you out. But - if you and your husband have a marital understanding that you can see other people, then keep doing what you're doing and let him know that you'll go out with him. It sounds like you're bored in your marriage though, so before you go out and do something that you'll regret make sure you know what you're doing. You may want to explore ways of improving your relationship with your husband - if this marriage is still important to you.
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Will my deceitful hubby leave me?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: My husband was recently a victim of a rumor at work that concerned him having an affair with a coworker. We have endured a rocky marriage, and he lied to me about a gambling debt - $120,000 worth - from the beginning of our relationship. He owed me for half of our living expenses, as I paid for the wedding, but instead of reimbursing me he decided to pay his mother back first - who lent him money for gambling. She put the debt on credit cards, and I was forced to file bankruptcy before selling my home. He has put his mother above me for the past three years, though he stopped three months ago because he had to attend a court hearing over his son and could no longer afford to pay his mother's bills. I had surgery for a head injury I sustained during our marriage, and ended up staying with my parents for a week as they are closer to the hospital. When I came home he was distant and angry; he began spending more and more time at work and refused to call me. When I confronted him everything got worse - and he was accused of having another affair one week later. He swears that the rumor is not true, and keeps offering to take a polygraph. I want more than anything to believe him, but I also know that he is not the man I married and he has lied to me over and over again. Every bad decision he has made has devastated our family. I have attempted to live my own life - returning to work on top of taking graduate classes, which seems to make him even angrier. He acts as though he wants me to be self-supportive and he makes statements like "What if I wasn't around?" This leads me to believe that he's getting ready to dump me, and I do not trust him anymore. I think his anger stems from his obligation to his mother. Please advise!
Avery: Your husband has now repeatedly shown you that you are not the priority. I would ask you what you're getting out of this relationship that makes you want to stay? A piece of paper that says that you're married?! A relationship is based on more than that! Why would any woman want to be with a lying, financially irresponsible man who's more committed to his mother than his own wife?! And again - regarding the lying - who wants to repeatedly put up with that?! It's time for you to take a real look at this relationship and figure how much nonsense you're prepared to accept. It sounds like you've had enough.
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Online dating dilemma
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I recently joined an online dating service, and I've spoken with two gentlemen over the phone. There is one that I am interested in very much, and our first conversation was wonderful, we even made tentative plans to get together in the near future. My question is: should I wait a week or two before calling him, or wait for him to come to me? The gentleman I like the most lives near me which is a plus, and we have so much in common. I really don't know what to do, this waiting is killing me. I would love to at least have a first date with both of these gentlemen before deciding who to pursue.
Avery: Have some guts and call him and ask him out. With all the great chemistry you share, what do you have to lose? Pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and call him. Do it!
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Why is he ignoring me?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: How can a man that you've dated off-and-on for 12 years (who you helped through drugs, jail and running off with another woman) not even say hi when he sees you?
Avery: It sounds like although you were there for this man during some tough times, he doesn't realize what kind of a loyal person you've been to him. If he hasn't seen it over the past 12 years, it's unlikely he'll "suddenly" see it in the next 12. It also sounds like he was a lot more important to you than you were to him.
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The ‘Honeymoon Phase' is over
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: Why does your partner start slacking off on phone calls and thank you's - when you say something sweet - after the first few months of a relationship? We used to talk for two or even three hours a day, and now it's down to maybe 15 minutes.
Avery: It's very tough to maintain the excitement of a relationship's first few months, after the initial "newness" wears off. You should evaluate the relationship overall and if you still have the same connection, then talking for less time may be okay. BUT - if you require those long conversations (as you had in the beginning) to feel secure in the relationship, then you should be honest and discuss those feelings with your boyfriend. Being honest with him about what you need to be happy is the best way to approach this.
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Is he playing me?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I have kind of been dating someone, although he says that we are not in a "relationship." I have met his friends, his parents and most of his relatives. I would not classify myself as a typical female: I don't call all the time, and I don't question him on what he is doing or where he has been, etc. We see each other about once a week, possibly every two weeks depending on our schedules. I care about him and enjoy our time together, but I do not love him. Recently he made a comment in front of me about having sex with another woman, and when I questioned him about it he replied "Well maybe it was two months ago or maybe a year ago." Since we are not in a relationship I didn't feel like I could say anything. I have been very honest and even told him that I have been monogamous - for safety reasons - and when I said that I would appreciate his honesty he kept yapping about the fact that we are not in a relationship. Ok, I got that, so what does he expect of me? Is this his way of convincing himself that he doesn't care? I have not called him and will not call him. Again, I am not like most women, just a little bit of honesty is all I want. I am 36 and very attractive and honestly prefer not to play games. Am I being played?
Avery: You're with a guy who most likely has multiple relationships going on, but you're probably the best one he has, if he's introducing you to everyone. If you like this kind of relationship, then it sounds like you and he can continue with this arrangement, but seeing a guy every week or two indicates to me that this guy is really thinking that this isn't going anywhere. If you want to know how he feels, just stop returning his calls / e-mails and see how hard he tries to get in touch with you. Then you'll know.
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Are they his female friends or girlfriends?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: My boyfriend of three months has a lot of friends who are girls and that is exactly what he calls them. I don't want to pry because I don't want to seem jealous but I also don't know if these friends are just friends, or if they are exes, etc. The thing that gets to me is that they text him at 1:00, 2:00 or even 3:00 in the morning. Why would they need to be texting at that time if there aren't feelings involved? I would never text a guy that early who was just a friend. There is no need. I don't know if there is something going on or if I am just overreacting. Please let me know what you think.
Avery: The question that immediately comes to mind is WHAT are these girls texting your boyfriend? If he lets you read the texts, you'll know right away if they are appropriate for a friend or if they are sexual in nature. I think that you'll have your answer pretty quickly. Lots of nice, handsome guys have girls who are friends, but there's a BIG difference between platonic girl-friends and those who there's a sexual connection with. It sounds like you have some real detective work to do!
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Does he have feelings for me?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I have had an affair with the same guy for seven years, and, of course, there is going to be feelings there. He tells me the feelings are mutual, and I'm wondering if he telling me the truth or if he is lying? I just need to know because I am tired of wondering. He says there's no need, but I think otherwise. I need another guy's point of view here, please help!
Avery: An affair for seven years? Yeah, he has feelings for you. No question. But are those feelings going to be continued if he left his wife? Probably not. You're exciting to him because you are not his wife. But if he ever leaves his wife to be with you, it'll only be a matter of time until he starts cheating on you. Why? Because if he did it WITH you, he'll do it TO you.
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Did I ruffle his feathers?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: This guy I've been hanging out with says he likes me, but when I ask him a question about a girl who has stayed the night at his place he gets mad and starts acting different. Does this mean that I turned him off by asking?
Avery: You're obviously asking him a question that's making him uncomfortable, and if he wanted to answer it, he would. So if you're asking if he's having other girls stay over at his place, most likely the answer is YES.
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What do men like?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I just want to know some basic things about guys.
Avery: Guys like to feel important, just like women like to feel protected. Guys like to know that their girlfriend thinks the world of them and that they're better than other guys who the girl has been with before. Guys like to feel that they're the protector. Those are some "basic things."
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In the dog house
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: My boyfriend and I have been living together for one and half years, and everything was fine until his boss died. I could not get off work, but I attended the wake as soon as I was off the clock and stayed for three hours. I couldn't get off work for the funereal so I tried to make it out to the luncheon afterwards. My boyfriend was furious at me for not attending, so he waited until I showed up at the luncheon and then he left. We haven't talked for days, and we sleep in separate bedrooms now. He called me a selfish bitch because - according to him - all the other wives seemed to be able to get off work to support their husbands. He said he doesn't know if he wants to be together anymore. I asked him if he was going to move out then, and he said he will move when he wants to and that he wants to see me walk on broken glass for a while for not attending. What do I do?
Avery: It sounds like your boyfriend had never told you how he felt about his boss or how important it was for you to be there with him at a difficult time, and it sounds like he's suffering some humiliation that other wives and girlfriends were there, but you weren't. You need to explain to him how much you care about him and ask him if he can move forward. If he can't, then he sounds like a pretty shallow guy and you'll just be waiting for the next "incident" for him to hold against you. The question to really pose to him is how you're supposed to know how he feels if he doesn't tell you. And if you have a difficult job that makes it challenging to just leave on a moment's notice, then you need to make sure he FULLY understands what that means
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He doesn't allow me in his home
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: Why does my boyfriend always have to hustle and doesn't want me to come to his house, but he wants to come to mine?
Avery: When a man doesn't want you to ever come to his house, it's often because either he's embarrassed about his living conditions, is a complete and total slob, or he has things or people there (bad roommates, a GIRLFRIEND) that he doesn't want you to see or know about. It sounds like you need to try to figure out what's really going on at your boyfriend's place!
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My marriage ended over oral sex
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: My husband cheated on me (having oral sex - which I still consider cheating) with the wife of another couple we were close to. Her appearance nor her character can compare to what I have, but apparently she sucked and swallowed and according to him, this was his only interest. She's disgustingly fat, older and the complete opposite of what I thought he would look at, not counting her HUGE breasts. The nagging question is -- WHY? He ruined our marriage to get free blowjobs because she swallows. I just don't get it. We are pending divorce proceedings but I need to understand WHY? What is so impressive about swallowing? I might have given it a go, if he asked or even hinted at having interest in it, but he never did. We always had great sex except for this area, clearly.
Avery: What your husband is doing with another woman - or other women - (the actual acts) is not really the issue here. The issue is that he's seeking sexual gratification outside of your marriage. Since you're going through divorce proceedings now, and you just want to know why, then you should ask him. There was probably some area of your relationship that he felt was lacking and instead of being a "stand up guy" and talking to you about it, he snuck around with someone else (and someone you both knew, which can be MORE painful!). Sounds like you and your husband weren't communicating the way you needed to be. Whether you're more attractive than the other woman or not, the point is that your husband didn't take the opportunity to talk to YOU about his feelings, before he went out and did something that triggered the end of your marriage.
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Long distance relationship woes
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: My boyfriend (31) and I (24) have been together for nearly one and a half years and everything was going great until three months ago, when his work relocated him to Brazil for two years. He's a very career-oriented person and is trying to get ahead in life by working hard right now. I knew that him moving there was a possibility from the get-go, but of course I never really thought it would happen. Although it was a challenging decision for me, I agreed to continue our relationship long distance as I live in California.
Unfortunately he is having a difficult time acclimating to the Brazilian culture (he doesn't know too many people, plus he doesn't speak Portuguese - which gets in the way of simple tasks such as ordering food). He is stressed to the limit, and feels that he made the wrong decision in going due to the distance between us.
What's more, he has doubts about how we'll make it through this time apart. He tells me he loves me and that he regrets accepting the offer.
Our communication (through Skype and email) has been off, and we've gotten into several significant arguments - more like disagreements - over how frequently we should be talking to each other.
In my opinion, the only way to make our relationship work is to communicate on a regular basis, and to meet up as much as possible. He, on the other hand, wants to "preserve" our relationship by speaking less (or not at all!) because he fears that micromanaging will destroy the love we have for one another.
He claims that it's emotionally draining for him when we talk, because I continuously broach complex questions such as how he feels the relationship is going, and when he thinks we'll see each other (which I had stopped asking about for a month, yet he still felt ‘emotionally drained' when speaking to me). He says that the more we talk, the more distant he feels because he thinks I don't understand how difficult it is for him in Brazil. He wishes to put our relationship "on hold" until he returns, at which point he will "follow his heart" - for the first time in his life - by moving in with me.
I don't get the feeling that he's aiming to be "free," to enjoy the single life. I know this because I flat out asked if he was interested in having an open relationship - which he knows I'm against. Luckily he said no, and added that the thought of me being with other men would drive him up the wall. Also, he asserts that he has no desire to date anyone else.
Because we aren't clicking like we used to, he sought advice from two relationship councilors who told him that putting our relationship on hold would be a wise choice.
If you ask me, placing our relationship on the back burner is the last thing we need. What's to stop us from completely growing apart during the 2 years that he's in Brazil? Our lives will continue to change, and if we don't keep in touch I fear that we won't change together.
We have agreed to communicate a couple of times a month, but plans to visit each other are still pending (although he wants to come back for the holidays). Should I keep waiting on him, or call it a day? How can I make him understand that his "on hold" method won't work for me? I've tried to tell him, but he still thinks we should give it our best and then in a month or so re-evaluate the situation. I love him and don't want to lose him, but at the same time I'd rather we had broken
up if this is how he's going to be, i.e. no emotional attachment on his end.
Avery: You both are trying to make it work, but it just isn't. Your boyfriend has told you what he needs while he's away, and it doesn't work for you. You need to end the relationship on good terms, continue with your life in California and if it's meant to be, it'll happen. If he's THAT unhappy in Brazil, and he loses you on top of it, he'll come running back soon enough, believe me. If he doesn't, then trust in fate and move on, be happy and make that next incredible thing happen!
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"Making love" on the internet
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: If I make love over the Internet, will my partner get tired of me before we meet in person? He says he really wants to get together, as I do, but he hasn't said "I love you" yet. I tell him all the time, and I really do love him.
Avery: There is no making love on the Internet - it's just a fantasy - even if it's "live." If you establish a type of sexual intimacy online, it's highly unlikely that it'll be the same when you meet in person. It's also just plain WEIRD to be doing that when you haven't even met yet!
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He has a girlfriend
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I am 24-years-old, and I have been seeing a guy who has a girlfriend. It's not the best decision I've ever made, but we get along well and he is very honest with me. I know he cares for his girlfriend as a friend and that he doesn't want to hurt her because she is a nice girl. The question is - am I wasting my time trying to have a relationship with him?
Avery: A guy who will cheat on his girlfriend WITH you will also cheat ON you - just give him time. Blow the guy off. He may be a good friend, but he's a cheating liar. If he really cared about you and was a real man, he'd break up with his girlfriend, then start dating you. Dump him. End of story.
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Why do men cheat?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: When a man cheats on you, does this mean the relationship is over? Why would he sneak around if he claims to really love you?
Avery: If a man cheats on you, the relationship is only over if cheating is a deal breaker for you. If you accept his reasons and stay with him, just be mindful that it's 99 percent likely to happen again. Men have the ability to love multiple women at the same time and to be with different women as well. However, if you are supposed to be in a committed relationship, cheating should not be part of the picture. He may really love you, but he's a cheater.
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He's shutting me out
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I've been dating this man for almost a year, and he's an all-around great guy. Everything seemed to be working until recently, which is when he started acting really distant. How am I supposed to handle him telling me that he needs time to think about things? We love each other but it's difficult to ignore the fact that something is bothering him, especially since he refuses to discuss it with me.
I'm worried about losing someone who is so dear to me over something that could have possibly been prevented. PLEASE help me because I am thoroughly freaking out.
Avery: Your guy could be acting this way for a whole bunch of reasons (work, family, ex-girlfriend issues, money, etc.), but unless he's willing to share his feelings you're just going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what's bugging him. If he really loves you, then give him some time (a month) to figure things out. If he's not sharing his feelings with you by then, or his distant behavior carries on, he's not really willing to continue the relationship and that's the message that he's sending.
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How do men express romantic interest?
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: What signals do guys send when they like you?
Avery: If a guy pays attention to you (calls you, writes you, says hi to you often), he likes you. If he smiles a lot when he's around you, if he asks questions about you and your life, he likes you. If he asks you out, then he is REALLY showing you that he likes you. If you think that a guy likes you, but is too shy to ask you out, ask HIM out and make it something casual like lunch or a movie. You'll figure out fairly quickly whether or not he really does like you.
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Mama's boys
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: My boyfriend lives with his mom, and moreover she is totally dependent upon him. We have been dating for a year and I am getting really fed up! What should I do?
Avery: If your boyfriend is over 25 and financially stable, then there's no reason to be so attached to his mother. Tell him how you feel and give him some reasonable deadlines to make some changes. Maybe go in a graduated way. For example, he has to start looking for his own place by X day and then have moved into it by Y day. Since you don't give a lot of details about your boyfriend's situation, you may have to adjust my advice based on his individual circumstances. For example, if his mother is dealing with an illness and he's living with her as a caregiver, then that is an entirely different story.
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