In the Bedroom

Your Sexless Marriage Stories

We asked and you told why the sizzle fizzled in your marriage

-The Betty Editors

We recently posted a story about sexless marriages, which are the reality of millions and millions of Americans. We asked our readers to share their stories about what happened, how they got to that point. Here are some of them:

“I really just don’t like having sex with him …”

I have been married for 4 1/2 years.  When we first started dating the sex wasn't that great, but I fell in love with him anyway, and we got married.  Now it feels like the sex has gotten worse.  I don't enjoy it at all.  I thought this was something I could learn to deal with, but it is really bothering me.  Then I thought we could learn to be better together in bed.  That hasn't happened either.  I'm bored of the sex, and I don't even like it when he kisses me.  I think it always was bad, I just kept telling myself it would get better because I wanted the marriage to work.  Now I just feel like it is hopeless.  It is so hard for me because he loves me SOOO much and he is really a wonderful person.  Very thoughtful and considerate, which is so hard to find.  He still holds open doors and calls just to see how my day is going at work.  I feel lost and confused; I am scared to lose him because he is so sweet and caring.  I don't know if I can find that again, but I really don't like having sex with him.  What am I going to do?

-Anonymous

“I’m just too tired …”

 I just read your article on "sexless marriage", it caught my attention.  I am currently 24 and have been married to my husband for three years now. We have two beautiful children (a 2 year old and an 8 moth old).  When my husband and I first started dating, sex was all we did pretty much, just about every single day, and it was good of course. He was my first.  But now I'm just feeling like I don't want to as much, especially on the days I go to work, I have to wake up at 5:45 a.m. to be at work at 7 a.m.  My husband works from 1 p.m. – 10 p.m. and doesn't get home until 11 p.m. I'm just too tired!  But then I also think does it maybe have to do with my past??? I was sexually abused by my father until the age of 13.  I never talked to a professional about it, never got counseling or anything like that, could that really be affecting me now?  After so long?  I love my husband so much, I don't want it to affect our marriage... please HELP!!!

-Anonymous

“I’m attracted to other people …”

Thanks for your article.  There are some great insights - practical in nature.  I'm really stumped by this one. What do you do when you feel like your partner is so deeply connected to you in every way but sex? Sure we had sex in the early years - I sound old, I'm 40. But now, I find I'm attracted to other people. In fact, I've fallen in love with someone.  I know this is a "bubble." But I don't know how to go through the rest of our married life not having sex. Is it part and parcel to the modern world, always seeing the grass as greener, always wanting to keep things interesting, changing; wanting more, when a big part of the soul just wants to settle down and have peace? Catch 22.

So should I stay or should I go? As the Clash once said.

-Anonymous

“We’re sexless for a lot of reason …”

We are sexless for a lot of reasons: me going through the change, him drinking and can’t; we have had our own bedrooms forever, maybe after the first three years of our marriage. I remember crying and begging him to come to bed or have sex ...

We have had our disagreements about sex like any other couple, but I think we have found our happy medium. It used to bug me, but not anymore, especially with hot flashes and mood swings and the change of life going on I really don’t care anymore. And my hubby drinks a lot and can’t do much anymore, so it is OK we just do other things, hold hands and stuff like that.

Maybe later in life when there are other circumstances, meaning I ever get over the change, he quits drinking and it is meaningful again, then maybe. I don’t think I’m a nun just yet.

I think it is OK for women to not want sex, and men also. I think if it is a mutual agreement then go for it. I think it is more intimate to be with the one you love and do little things like holding hands, watching movie together, cooking together, enjoying new grandkids. There are other things out there that are just as meaningful to a woman as sex.

-Deb

“When the fear and stress are gone, our sex life will return …”

How did we get to have a sexless marriage, hmm..... I think that there are many reasons why. We had an unplanned pregnancy who is an autistic child who was very difficult. I was forced to quit my job and stay home to care for him and our then 7-year-old daughter. After he was about 2, I again became pregnant while using the pill and a spermacide. We chose to have an abortion, even though it was against our beliefs, due to finances, and I really did not think I could handle another child. We have been terrified since then about getting pregnant, leading to lack of concentration in the bedroom and occasional impotence. We are exhausted at the end of the day and don't have insurance for him to get a vasectomy to lessen our fears.

 I went back to work 20 hours, have clinicals and am taking 17 credits in college. Our children are 7 and 14 now, and after 14 years we still make each other giggle and share our deepest thoughts and feelings. We talk about sex, sometimes fight about it, but we also know that it isn't only about that. The vows that we spoke were for better or worse, and it is true. We know that when the fear and stress are gone our sex life will return; we have many, many years to make up for the part of our relationship that is lacking right now. I think that there is more meaning in a touch while talking, a long, lingering hug or kiss, holding hands while walking, and whispering and giggling late at night than there is to sex. We are deeper than that. We would love to change our circumstances, but we can't right now. We just have to work with what we have and make the best of it. That is what love is all about, right?

-Anonymous

“I’m confused as to why …”

I was getting on the Internet when I saw your article.  I am in a sexless marriage at the moment and am confused as to why.  We have not had sex in at least the past six months.  I have suggested it at different times, but no response.
 
There could be several reasons for this.  To begin with my wife was never overly excited to have sex that often.  When we have sex it is very good.  Her desire for sex, however, is not that high.  During the past year she has gone through memo-pause?  Could this be a reason for her losing her sex drive?  Other factors are work, financial, etc.  We have had our anniversary, birthday, New Year’s, etc., and on none of these occasions have we had sex.  I have said, we need to set a date for sex, but that has not worked.

My wife appears to be very loving, she kisses me goodbye everyday, gives and wants hugs, walks holding hands, enjoys going on walks, etc.  It does not seem to me that there is no love. She shows love in many ways, sex is just not one of them. Our kids are all married and out of the house, so that is not a factor.

-Sexless in So. Cal.

“I didn’t want to believe this could happen to me …”

I am almost 45 and in my 2nd sexless marriage. The first marriage ended mainly due to lack of sex.  I could not live that type of life even though, if discreet, my husband didn't seem to care where I got my needs met as long as he didn't have to do it.  I can only function in a committed relationship if it is monogamous. That being said...
 
I married a second man.  We have been married over 11 years. To this day he agrees that he knew exactly who I was and what I needed/expected before he married me and that I have held true to that. He was my best friend and a wonderful lover.  For three years I was the happiest woman in the world.  He started losing interest probably around the end of year three. However, it took me until year five to really look at what was happening honestly.  I didn't want to believe that this could happen to me. I had been so certain that it wouldn't.

I wish he would have been honest with himself and let me go six or seven years ago. I am trying to change from being an extremely sexual person to being a celibate one.  It isn't going well.  I have not and will not cheat on my husband. The clock has ticked down to the end of my being sexually desirable to anyone who isn't using me as a substitute for what they want but can't get.  It's a very sad and premature way to end your sexual life.

-Anonymous

“It’s making me feel very unattractive …”

I am in a sexless marriage...which is kind of sad seeing as how we've only been married since February of this year. I’m 19 and he is 29. Before we got married we used to have sex about four times a week. Now I’m lucky if I get it once a month. Another thing is I’m six months pregnant with his baby. It seems like since I’ve been getting bigger he keeps telling me that he's "too tired" or he's "getting old". But since I've been pregnant sex feels a lot better, and I want to do it a lot. He just doesn’t want to. We're not nearly as intimate as we used to be. I try to initiate it but it just doesn’t work. I’ve tried keeping the house clean and having dinner ready when he gets home from work, but it seems as though nothing is working, and I don’t know what to do. It’s making me feel very unattractive.

-Anonymous

What Guys Say

"I know that we are stuck ..."

My wife and I are in a sexless marriage.  We have been married almost 20 years.  It has been over a year since we had a sexual encounter.  In fact, we were on a cruise last February with our son, who is now 15, and she initiated the sexual encounter while he was out of the cabin.  We were rushed, and he actually came back before we were completely done.  It was actually comical.

We get along rather well.  We actually sleep in separate beds.  This started because I snore (so does she but it doesn’t wake me) and she likes to watch TV while in bed going to sleep.  I prefer to read until I am sleepy and often find the TV very distracting to getting to sleep.

I am sure her story on how we got here would be different, although we have talked through this several times, but here is my recall.  I attempted to initiate intimacy, be romantic, a good listener, etc. for years.  I have read books, watched speakers, listened to programs, even been to counseling on several occasions. After the first 15 years I determined that pursuing her and getting rejected more times than not, was like knocking my head against a wall and wondering why I kept having a headache.  Just stop the knocking.  So I stopped.

She noticed that I was no longer initiating sex, and I noticed that she did not have as much "control" over me.  For years, I often noticed that if she was mad or upset, we would go weeks or even months without sex.  I would be in the proverbial dog house.  When I decided that sex was totally optional for me, and she realized that she no longer had that weapon (weapon is probably to strong a word, but gets the point across), we actually started to get along better.

The sex was also very routine.  I will avoid details, but very routine.  She has never been very adventurous - most "out of the norm" ideas met with "ewww".

I know that I am the anchor that keeps us from making any progress.  I have never rejected an advance by her, never.  However, by not taking on the role of the pursuer, I know that we are stuck.  I feel that even with improved communication, I believe that I must decide to go back to the headaches to get the occasional crack in the brick.

-Anonymous

“We stopped being romantic in small ways …”

I haven't pinned down the cause. Perhaps it was delayed stress from our move 750 miles ... It may have been the Staph infection I didn't get treated until it was rather serious, leading to months of healing and recovery. Add to this the events around 9/11 and my being laid off from a well-paying job... Bottom line is we stopped being romantic in small steps.

She withdrew, telling me it was her, not me. She refused to tell me anything I could do to help her feel better about opening her heart. I tried all the classic things, like gifts, shopping, trips, time just sitting with her. … then I tried leaving her alone. I would sit at the computer and chat or read Web pages, etc. I even found myself confiding in and wanting to leave her to be with a particularly interested female friend I had known for several years.

I kept thinking there must be a better way to have a happy life than constantly jumping partners. This is someone who has done so much work on herself and is so grounded. I couldn't walk out as long as she was willing to hold on. We did have many long talks about things. I decided at first to impose the expectations I had become aware of on my partner. This was better for me but put more pressure on her.

Then I saw the final episode of The Bachelor. When Melissa told Jason he never fought for their relationship, a light came on. I told my partner we deserved a relationship that was everything we dream of. After 10 years together, we could choose to do what it takes to make that dream come true or we could part in hopes that we might find this with someone else.

She chose to stay and fight too! It has been a few months now and the change is amazing. We have set aside time without TV every evening. We honor each other, focusing on each other when one of us wants to share. I learned that she really needs me to be focused on her to feel loved. We are both working on being honest about our moment-to-moment feelings. As we show our true selves to each other and find out we are acceptable, the loving feelings grow and grow.

-Anonymous

Click here to read more about signs that your marriage might headed into sexless territory and what you can do to prevent it from happening.