The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion

The Real Housewives of New Jersey recap was just a skeevy as we all dreamed it would be

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion

The ladies talk bubbies, arrests, mob ties and more!

-Carrie Seim

Real Housewives of New JerseyThe Real Housewives of New Jersey recap was just a skeevy as we all dreamed it would be. And this was only Part One – because the skeeviness was too big to fit into just one night.

Host Andy Cohen began the special by welcoming us to what he called an “undisclosed location” in a New Jersey “warehouse district” near the “railroad tracks.”

A setting as “classy” as the five ladies who surround him.
We next get an update on the pregnancy and hairstyle status of each housewife:

Jacqueline is so preggers that the little boy in her tummy threatens to pop out and dance atop Danielle’s Botoxed forehead.

Speaking of Danielle, she’s expecting as well. Expecting a visit to her hairstylist to stick in some more extensions.

Table-throwing Teresa is honest to goodness pregnant as well. Her next cash cow child is due in September. She also still has big hair, even though insists it’s “more modern, more 2000′s big.”

And while matriarch Caroline is not pregnant with child or hair, she looks as though she could gobble up any of the unborn children on stage – should they cross her or her “thick as thieves” family.

With those critical updates out of the way, we can begin our walk down table-throwing memory lane. Teresa can’t quite explain why she tossed a table at Danielle during last week’s season finale

But apparently, it was an aphrodisiac to Teresa’s lug of a husband, Joe. “My husband’s never seen me like that,” Teresa screeched. “He was kind of turned on by it.”

Bubbies + food fight + cokewhore allegations = hot.

Apparently the big blowout had something to do with Danielle bringing a book to dinner, which Teresa thought would be a book-free zone, like the rest of her life.

The book was called Cop Without a Badge, and it accused Danielle of doing very bad things in 1986. Someone – probably Dina but maybe Caroline – found this old book and passed it around the community hair salon. Which made Danielle and her extensions tres pissed off, because she claims the book is full of LIES!

Except for the fact that The Smoking Gun posted all these pesky court records Tuesday verifying the allegations. Danielle (whose real name is Beverly Merrill) was indeed a Miami prostitute who got caught by the FBI with six kilos of cocaine in 1986. She was also involved in a kidnapping plot. Danielle / Beverly decided to snitch on her Colombian cartel boyfriend rather than do time. Which means Danielle / Beverly got five years in probation while her drug dealer BF got 15 years in prison.

And which means she is INSANE for going on a reality show and identifying her location to the man she ratted out.

But back to the happy reunion special!

After a quick bubbies montage, Jacqueline sheds happy tears about her pregnancy, after four miscarriages. While I feel for Jacqueline’s loss, I also have to wonder about her obsession with having another child when she already has one monster teenager and a little boy who looks like trouble.

She explains her openness about her miscarriages this way: “I’m the kind of person when something bad happens, I feel like talking about.”

Anyone who begins a sentence with “I’m the kind of person” is the kind of person who is super annoying. But I digress.

We next learn that while Danielle may (allegedly) be a stripper, a prostitute and a coke whore, she’s also a defender of the gay community.

In this clip, she explains her anger toward Teresa’s hubby, Joe, who made gay slurs toward their ballroom dance instructor.

“My best friend, the only man I’ve ever had in my life, is gay,” Teresa cries. “He’s my family.”

Teresa says her husband Joe wasn’t calling the dance instructor gay, he was calling the ballroom dancing itself gay. Which as we all know, is waaaay better.

Then host Andy politely jumps in, saying, “I’m gay and I think it was offensive.”

Game over. Andy wins. Everyone else go home. Please, for the love of God.

If you’re still skeeving for more Garden State Housewives, you can turn in to Part Two of the reunion special tomorrow night on Bravo.

Where you’ll get to see this ominous clip of Caroline sobbing and calling Danielle “disgraceful” and “garbage.” 

Or this sophisticated insistence by Caroline and Dina that their family has zero mob connections.

“Our family has been beated up, tossed around, turned upside down, okay? Saying that we have mob connections. I take tremendous offense to that.” 

Mafia connections or not, all of America is terrified of you right now, Caroline. We will not cross you. Or offend you. Or offend your thick as thieves family. Cross our bubbies.

More Real Housewives: Are the Housewives Coming to D.C? and Life Lessons from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.


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0 thoughts on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion

  1. Fern says:

    these are the scariest housewives yet

  2. deborah says:

    This article is hysterical…Can anyone who has watched this version of the Housewives explain to me how in the HELL Joe, Teresa’s hubby, makes SO MUCH money that they now live in that HUGE mansion? Joe can’t even string together a sentence. Is it MOB money??

  3. kitty says:

    This is hilarious! I haven’t watched the show yet but I don’t think I need to with these recaps!

  4. needcoffee says:

    OK, it was sooooo good. but i can’t believe he didn’t ask why they pay with dollar bills for everything!!!

  5. alterego says:

    Ug those women are just beyond repulsive. Good TV though!

  6. stylista21 says:

    Lol- it’s hard for me to take these people seriously on this show!

  7. JerseyGir102 says:

    As a jersey girl myself, I will say that like every other housewife series, these 5 women do not depict all Jersey women. I will admit tho, I do not find all of it that crazy (maybe it is because I come from a big Italian family, but I know a few Carolines and Theresas.) So to say the least, I enjoy watching the show and all of the housewives series.

    Also, the show is suppose to take place in Franklin Lakes, NJ. I went to high school in that area and when I think of Franklin Lakes, I think…very preppy, cookie-cutter white people who all attended IVY league schools and come from money. So Im sure they are appalled by the way these women are depicting them…I think that is the best part of the show!

  8. cloo says:

    I surprisingly like this show.

  9. rose07 says:

    Do you guys think this is real?

  10. LookitsCynthia says:

    this show is my guilty pleasure! i love it, and the reunion fully sated my appetite for new housewife drama. can’t wait for part 2!

  11. hope_xo says:

    Love love love this show. I don’t know how anyone can talk badly about Jacqueline, she’s the nicest, sweetest person ever.

    And with the gay comment … I completely agree with Teresa, in Jersey it is a figure of speech. I can’t tell you why, but its used very casually here, Danielle should know that. She’s such a drama queen I can’t take it.

    Definitely can’t wait until part 2.

  12. MsFahrenheit says:

    I’m too New York for this. lol

  13. psychologist702 says:

    This show is more disturbed than Jerry Springer……
    As disturbed as the women are, the more screwed up their children will be when their adults because they have false ideas of “I can do whatever I want because I have money.”

    Some would say pitty them, but I say pitty us (society) for having to be in contact with them..

  14. flagirl says:

    Once again Bravo has demonstrated just because someone has money, that it definitly does not mean they have a scintilla of class or taste.
    Poor Jacqueline! Run Jacqueline Run!

  15. Fern says:

    Seriously — what does Joe do to afford that stuff? “Construction” ?? We’ve all seen the Sopranos!!

  16. Fern says:

    My mom watched the show for the first time during the reunion special and said, “If you added up all of these women’s IQs in total, it still wouldn’t come up to the national average.”

  17. hahamoman says:

    The only thing that comes to mind about these women, husbands, and families on THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY; “Help control the moron population, have these people spayed or neutered!”

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