The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion
The ladies talk bubbies, arrests, mob ties and more!
The Real Housewives of New Jersey recap was just a skeevy as we all dreamed it would be. And this was only Part One – because the skeeviness was too big to fit into just one night.
Host Andy Cohen began the special by welcoming us to what he called an “undisclosed location” in a New Jersey “warehouse district” near the “railroad tracks.”
A setting as “classy” as the five ladies who surround him.
We next get an update on the pregnancy and hairstyle status of each housewife:
Jacqueline is so preggers that the little boy in her tummy threatens to pop out and dance atop Danielle’s Botoxed forehead.
Speaking of Danielle, she’s expecting as well. Expecting a visit to her hairstylist to stick in some more extensions.
Table-throwing Teresa is honest to goodness pregnant as well. Her next cash cow child is due in September. She also still has big hair, even though insists it’s “more modern, more 2000′s big.”
And while matriarch Caroline is not pregnant with child or hair, she looks as though she could gobble up any of the unborn children on stage – should they cross her or her “thick as thieves” family.
With those critical updates out of the way, we can begin our walk down table-throwing memory lane. Teresa can’t quite explain why she tossed a table at Danielle during last week’s season finale.
But apparently, it was an aphrodisiac to Teresa’s lug of a husband, Joe. “My husband’s never seen me like that,” Teresa screeched. “He was kind of turned on by it.”
Bubbies + food fight + cokewhore allegations = hot.
Apparently the big blowout had something to do with Danielle bringing a book to dinner, which Teresa thought would be a book-free zone, like the rest of her life.
The book was called Cop Without a Badge, and it accused Danielle of doing very bad things in 1986. Someone – probably Dina but maybe Caroline – found this old book and passed it around the community hair salon. Which made Danielle and her extensions tres pissed off, because she claims the book is full of LIES!
Except for the fact that The Smoking Gun posted all these pesky court records Tuesday verifying the allegations. Danielle (whose real name is Beverly Merrill) was indeed a Miami prostitute who got caught by the FBI with six kilos of cocaine in 1986. She was also involved in a kidnapping plot. Danielle / Beverly decided to snitch on her Colombian cartel boyfriend rather than do time. Which means Danielle / Beverly got five years in probation while her drug dealer BF got 15 years in prison.
And which means she is INSANE for going on a reality show and identifying her location to the man she ratted out.
But back to the happy reunion special!
After a quick bubbies montage, Jacqueline sheds happy tears about her pregnancy, after four miscarriages. While I feel for Jacqueline’s loss, I also have to wonder about her obsession with having another child when she already has one monster teenager and a little boy who looks like trouble.
She explains her openness about her miscarriages this way: “I’m the kind of person when something bad happens, I feel like talking about.”
Anyone who begins a sentence with “I’m the kind of person” is the kind of person who is super annoying. But I digress.
We next learn that while Danielle may (allegedly) be a stripper, a prostitute and a coke whore, she’s also a defender of the gay community.
In this clip, she explains her anger toward Teresa’s hubby, Joe, who made gay slurs toward their ballroom dance instructor.
“My best friend, the only man I’ve ever had in my life, is gay,” Teresa cries. “He’s my family.”
Teresa says her husband Joe wasn’t calling the dance instructor gay, he was calling the ballroom dancing itself gay. Which as we all know, is waaaay better.
Then host Andy politely jumps in, saying, “I’m gay and I think it was offensive.”
Game over. Andy wins. Everyone else go home. Please, for the love of God.
If you’re still skeeving for more Garden State Housewives, you can turn in to Part Two of the reunion special tomorrow night on Bravo.
Where you’ll get to see this ominous clip of Caroline sobbing and calling Danielle “disgraceful” and “garbage.”
Or this sophisticated insistence by Caroline and Dina that their family has zero mob connections.
“Our family has been beated up, tossed around, turned upside down, okay? Saying that we have mob connections. I take tremendous offense to that.”
Mafia connections or not, all of America is terrified of you right now, Caroline. We will not cross you. Or offend you. Or offend your thick as thieves family. Cross our bubbies.
More Real Housewives: Are the Housewives Coming to D.C? and Life Lessons from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.