Ode to Epic Fails of Valentine’s Days Past
A poem for the ghosts of Valentines that came before.
Oh boy it’s now here, this time come again.
V-day’s approaching and I felt I must pen
A note to my guys and to all men at large
To help you succeed and be all in charge.
Now I know for most men this day does get tough
Trying to figure how much is enough
To do for us ladies, us chicks and gals
Just try to avoid this most epic of FAILS!
This first guy of note was my high school crush Chad
Who unbeknownst to me was a terrible cad.
And while I loved the necklace of stars and hearts
Spying six others made with identical parts
Walking the halls of school the next day
Explained why at lunch your face hit my tray.
Freshman year at college was a boy named Bruce
Whose green flecked eyes, turned my way would induce
A wave of flutters, a blush and a stutter
And when asked on a date I could only just mutter.
“I love your curves,” that’s what you said.
But ruined it all, made my face turn beet red
When the DJ announced (in a huge deal breaker)
Our names, our song. You chose “Rump Shaker!?!”
Later in school was the artist guy Jak.
Who made me breathless when it came to the sack.
I knew he was broke but didn’t expect much
When V-day came and I told him as such.
But when the night passed with nary a call
It just made me feel ‘bout two inches tall.
The next day, walking campus I had a large shock
My name was spray painted across the whole block.
The gesture was fun but my heart stopped in terror.
With ex-hippie parents my name was quite rarer
Than anyone at school and he got expelled.
Shouldn’t have tagged the dean’s Toyota Tercel.