My Husband Wanted To See Me Have Sex With Other Men, Then Got Mad When I Liked One!
Ask Your Friend…Ask Your Shrink: A stressed woman wants to know what to do after she and her husband’s experimental sex life ended with her falling in love with another man.
-Libby Keatinge and Dr. Morris Halperin
Dear Libby and Dr. Halperin,
I can’t believe I am writing this, but here goes. My husband has been into seeing me with other men. He said he enjoyed seeing me enjoy myself, but the thing is I didn’t enjoy it. For 5 years I begged him to stop, but he would always get mad and say he needed variety and the excitement. He is straight and never got involved with the men. When I would tell him this was wrong, he would always say we got married young. I was 16 and he was the only man I was ever with and he wanted me to experience things. I won’t deny that during the act sometimes I did enjoy it, and then I would cry on the way home and feel guilty for this.
About 1 year ago he brought a man into the situation and from the first night we were connected. I felt something and he said he did too. At the time this man was in a bad marriage but that has ended since then. I feel like I love this man and he says he loves me. He is not ready for a relationship and he does not want to cause problems for my family, but the problem is my husband can sense my feelings and now he does not want me to see him anymore. He still wants me with other men, just not him. I don’t know what to do. I am really mad and hurt because it seems he was fine putting me out there regardless for his thrills, but now he wants to say no.
My friend that I finally confided in says it is all a control thing and I should leave — that some things are dealbreakers. I just don’t know what to do. We have been married a long time and I do love him but I just don’t feel it anymore, and that really has nothing to do with the other man. It is the fact that I feel like my husband did not honor me and treasure the fact he was the only man I had ever been with. I know I need help, but I don’t really know what to do. Thank you for any insight you can give me.
-Stressed in the USA
I feel like you have practically answered this question yourself. You signed your letter “stressed” and you indicated that you never liked the “lifestyle” anyway. You are clearly uncomfortable and unhappy in your relationship – so why are you in it?
Life is too short. We need to surround ourselves with people who make us happy and feel good about ourselves. I think the fact that you fell for someone else is kind of the secondary problem. Your heart was looking and open for someone else to care and respect it, because your husband didn’t respect your interests or preferences. It is clear that you two are not compatible: he wants to watch you have sex with others and have orgies, and you just don’t like it. On this one it is pretty clear to me that the only way you will find happiness is to rid yourself of someone who is not right for you.