My Husband’s “Other Woman”
Oh yes, I’ll admit it. I’m jealous of her self-confidence, her sexy British accent, the way she’s always ready to go…
-Jennifer Ostrega Gold, ohmeimfine.com
It’s hard to imagine that my husband of only four years is having a love affair, but he is.
When I first found them together, I was powerless to do anything about it. He had one like her before, but he told me that she wasn’t big enough, so he wanted another one. She’s easier to touch, and he often reaches for her. I hate to admit it, but he just seems happier with her on long trips. Yes, they go on trips together. And you’ll think I’m stupid, but yes, sometimes I go in the car with them. She sits up on the dashboard in front of me.
She has many different voice settings and she even can do a British accent if you program her to. It pisses me off when she gives directions because when we travel, he’d rather listen to her than to me. For instance, if we are driving in New Jersey, my home state, she suggests a circuitous route, exposing us to the nastiest part of the New Jersey Turnpike. And I KNOW that there is a better, faster, more scenic route, but he listens to her as she just blurts out, “Turn right on the motorway.”
She has a pseudo-British-computer voice, and it grates on my nerves. Perhaps I’m a little jealous of how sexy and confident she sounds.
It used to be that men refused to stop at gas stations to ask for directions… but now, they need not stop any more… They have their ladies — named Susan, or Karen, or Jackie, or Jill, or Bridget, or … my husband’s GPS!
I asked him what he sees in her. He explained it like this: “She’s unemotional. I like her. She doesn’t digress. She stays on target. She doesn’t bring up things that are unrelated. I can be left alone with my own thoughts in between, and when she does interrupt, it’s to communicate helpful facts.”
And as if that wasn’t enough, he has another device he keeps deep in his front pocket, nestled up against his package.
Sometimes she comes into the bedroom with him, and I find her under the pillow. When we moved in together, we both decided to forgo our home answering machine. It was just one less electronic device that we’d have to check when we walked in the house.
There are times I want to yell out when that vibrating phone in my husband’s pants goes off, and I spot him fingering it to find out who called. I admit, I get a little jealous of that finger action.
Think about it. If we explore the various parts of the blackberry (yes, he still has a blackberry), we see that the spinning ball is a lot like a certain portion of female anatomy. I look down at it with envy, seeing my husband’s bony fingers flick and caress the rolling ball. I only wish that it was my magic buttons he was pressing.
No, I am not trying to be a smart ass, but I don’t have a smart phone, and maybe this makes me not too smart, but I like having my private life to myself, and I welcome some disconnection from the work world. Yes, I’ve definitely missed those urgent requests, but I like the fact that I don’t carry one. Maybe we need to outsmart smart phones and turn them off — or at least kick them out of the bedroom.
Jennifer Ostrega Gold is a writer, performer and college professor who lives in Brooklyn with her husband and two year old son. Visit her blog, “Oh, Me? I’m Fine!”