Mean Betty: Whoopsies! Tom Cruise's Bare Chest Didn't Save 'Rock of Ages'

Maybe Tom Cruise needs to keep his shirt on in future movie roles?

Mean Betty: Whoopsies! Tom Cruise’s Bare Chest Didn’t Save ‘Rock of Ages’

Maybe Tom Cruise needs to keep his shirt on in future movie roles?

-Mean Betty

 tom cruise in rock of ages

Oh kittens! Can you believe that the animated troupe from Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted trounced Rock of Ages at the box office this weekend? Yes, kittens, the voices of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock and David Schwimmer pulled in $35.5 million dollars—that’s a lot of pet chow—to Rock of Ages measly $15.1 million dollars!

To the rest of us, even half that much money coming our way would have us dancing in the supermarket or Neiman’s aisles, but to the movie industry, $15 million dollars is chump change. Especially when there’s star power like Tom Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta-Jones all in one movie that’s supposed to be BIG.BIG.BIG.

tom cruise w magazine

Maybe there was too much hype months before the movie opened up that turned people away. Maybe the sight of Tom Cruise’s bare chest on the cover of W’s June issue—which came out in May, was enough to sate everyone’s curiosity and lust over what he looks like half-nekkid. The Tom Cruise that could pull people in for a Mission Impossible movie is not the same Tom Cruise that couldn’t pull people in for Knight and Day or Lions for Lambs. Anyone remember those movies? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

The New York Times review was sad: “(It’s) a jukebox musical turned junky big-screen attraction about making it in the music biz back when it still existed, is just entertaining enough to keep you from dark thoughts about the state of Hollywood.The movie is too insipid for such hand wringing, in any event, and the attention-grabbing turns by Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand and especially Tom Cruise as a rock-star crazy help enliven its overlong two hours… It looks like Disneyland and sounds, well, like a bad Broadway musical, with all the power belting and jazz-hand choreography that implies.”

Movieline.com claims, “Seeing Tom Cruise swathed in leather pants and fake tattoos, as Axl Rose-style metal god Stacee Jaxx, is supposedly Rock of Ages’ big draw. But the movie is much more fun when he’s not around…”

Read Mean Betty on Madonna’s Unapologetic Peep Show: Rebellious or Predictable?

Funnily enough the role that gave Tom Cruise incredible raves, the one that’s not associated with the Mission Impossible franchise, was his cameo in Tropic Thunder. Critics and audiences raved over hiss portrayal of a pot-bellied, half bald, mad man. There was even talk that his character, Les Grossman would have his own movie. If he’d done it, do you think that Tom would have had more movie hits than movie misses lately?

Oh kittens, you know what’s really, really really sad? It’s that both movies, Madagascar 3 and Rock of Ages have PG ratings! The butler thought that with a semi-naked Tom Cruise, they’d get at least an R, but even the the movie people think a half-naked Tom Cruise is tame sight to see. 

Kittens, if Meanie knew Tom’s address she’d send him over a Margarita—for purely medicinal purposes.

XO

Mean Betty

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