Mean Betty on Weird Celebrity Auctions

Are you as aghast as Meanie is at the bizarre sorts of items that seem to be appearing more and more frequently on the auction block these days, kittens?

Mean Betty on Weird Celebrity Auctions

Are you as aghast as Meanie is at the bizarre sorts of items that seem to be appearing more and more frequently on the auction block these days, kittens?

-Mean Betty


Ah, the auction house! Is there anything more delightful than the speed of the auctioneer’s voice or the slam of his gavel? Is there any sweeter word than that glorious pronouncement, “SOLD!”? Meanie does so love the unexpected trinkets and lovely little wonders one can bring home from a well-executed auction! Of course, Meanie never goes to said auctions herself; among the butler’s many talents is the ability to secure any and all desired items from any conceivable auction, no matter the price. Meanie doesn’t quite know how he does it, but that’s why she always sends him out in her place. He certainly earns his keep!

But kittens, Meanie can’t help but notice that not everything that appears on the auction block is the type of wonder she would like to own. Take this, for example: It is common knowledge that it has recently possible for anyone with a great deal of money on hand to own a replica of the bed used in Twilight: Breaking Dawn in which Edward and Bella finally “do the deed,” so to speak; but did you know that it might at some point be possible for you to own the bed from the first movie in which Bella and Edward first jammed their tongues down each others’ throats? Over the summer, director Catherine Hardwicke announced that she was considering auctioning off that very bed. What exactly would you do with such a bed, kittens? Could you fathom sleeping in it? Because Meanie couldn’t. She’d be too worried about stray sparkles marring her perfect complexion. That, and the idea of sleeping in a bed where a vampire and a mortal got hot and heavy gives Meanie the ickies in a big, huge, enormous way.

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Mean quite understands the desire to have just a tiny bit of cinematic, or otherwise (in)famous, history for one’s own. Who could resist displaying, say, the Heart of the Ocean from Titanic in one’s home? Think of the marvelous conversations that would emerge from such a display? “My goodness,” your guests might say, “that beautiful necklace looks an awful like the one that once graced Kate Winslet’s neck…” At which you might slyly smile and reply, “Funny you should think that, because you see…” But some things, Meanie feels, are pushing it too far.

On that note, would it surprise you to find that Edward and Bella’s love nest is on the tamer side of things, kittens? Because it is. Other items that have recently made their way to the auction block include a ring supposedly removed from Sharon Tate’s finger after her death at the hands of Charles Manson and the bed that the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, died in. And items like these… well, it just feels WRONG that they’re up for grabs. True, there’s some question about whether or not the ring really was on Sharon Tate’s finger when she died, and the dear departed Mr. Jackson’s bed has since been removed from the upcoming auction of his belongings; but even so, kittens. Even so. The thought of so many strangely obsessed fans feverishly snapping up such macabre souvenirs from such tragic ends is something Meanie finds rather repellent. Are we not capable of simply letting these poor people rest? Must we continue to make spectacles of them even after their deaths? Why, in short, are we so consumed by the concept of fame that we must grasp at whatever straws connected to it that we can, even if they are such horrible straws as these?

Sometimes, it’s just time to let it go. Wouldn’t you agree, kittens?

Oh dear. Meanie’s skin is crawling. It may be time to go ask the butler to get started on the morning mimosa…



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