Mean Betty on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Dangerous, Fashion Packrat Tendencies
Meanie has discovered something both surprising and troubling about People’s Best Dressed winner Gwyneth Paltrow: She might be a fashion packrat!
Kittens, by now you’ve no doubt heard that People’s Best Dressed List of 2012 has recently been announced. However, while Meanie was happy to see such trendsetters as Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, and Miranda Kerr on the list, she remains a tiny bit puzzled by the number one winner: Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes, it’s true that dear Gwyneth rarely looks disastrous; but is she truly the best dressed in all the land? Meanie isn’t entirely sure. That aside, though, Meanie would like to address another pressing, not unrelated issue. Gwyneth, you see, may have a problem: She’s a fashion packrat!
Here, kittens, is the skinny: Gwynnie’s stylist, Elizabeth Saltzman, spoke to People in the wake of the actress’ stylish win, at which point she reveals exactly what Gwyneth does with all of her clothes. Apparently, after she wears an outfit, “It all gets put away and documented—when and where she wore it—and then it’s gone [into storage] for her daughter. She’s not a hog.”
Now, bear in mind here that Meanie is working off of minimal information and a quote out of context here—but the way that she interprets the above statement is as follows: Gwyneth wears an outfit exactly once, after which it is packaged, labeled, and possibly cryogenically frozen, at which point it will remain in storage until her daughter, Apple, is old enough to wear it—which, in all likelihood, won’t be for at least ten or fifteen years, as Apple is currently eight years old. And yet somehow, despite this habit of hoarding her wardrobe pieces, she is NOT a hog? Correct Meanie if she is wrong, but somehow, this sounds… not quite on the level, no, kittens? The Butler certainly agrees—and moreover, would like to state for the record that under no circumstances would he wish the burden of caring for all those clothes on anyone. He’s shuddering now, poor dear! Go on, Butler darling—have a mimosa with Meanie. It will make you feel better. There, there.
Come to think of it, where on earth does Gwynnie find the space to STORE all of those lonely, one-time use wardrobe pieces? Does she have a hidden bunker beneath the castle in which she lives that that extends for miles underground, housing all of those sad, solitary items of clothing? Meanie believes we might be able to assume that the saved items consist mostly, if not entirely, of her red carpet looks; it would be an unimaginable waste to wear, say, a pair of jeans and a t-shirt exactly once before squirreling it away in the deep dark depths of Gwynnie’s fashion archives. Not to mention that there couldn’t be a closet built that could hold all of those clothes!
So let us assume that these strange archives consist of Gwyneth’s red carpet and special occasion outfits. There is, in fact, something to be said for saving a special dress or two for future generations; this is a common practice when it comes to wedding dresses, for example, often with the result that several generations of women from one family each wear the same dress at their weddings. Meanie can understand Gwyneth wanting to pass on the dress in which she won her Oscar, for instance. But saving ALL of your special dresses? That seems a teeny, weeny bit excessive to Meanie—even for a star. What on earth is Apple going to DO with all of those dresses when they get passed down to her? Will she be expected to wear each and every one of them in turn? Or does Gwyneth simply want someone to take care of them when she’s gone? If Apple is expected to wear them all, then what happens if she grows up to have a different body type than Gwyneth? Meanie’s mind is spinning with such questions!
Goodness! Meanie certainly hopes that at least these packed-away outfits get a good airing out every now and again; musty clothing is SUCH a dreary thing. Although knowing Gwyneth, she’s probably sealed them away in a vacuum so that neither moth nor must can get to them.
Apple, dear? Do let Meanie know if you need help sorting through all of those wardrobe items; she will be absolutely overjoyed to help—when the time comes, of course.
What’s that? Something about “ulterior motives?” Meanie has no idea what you’re talking about!