Hello, darlings! Mean Betty wants you to know that Mean Betty is trying her very best to bear up under the devastating news that Ms. Heidi Montag and Mr. Spencer Pratt, those twin pillars of the entertainment business, have split up. (Sob!)

The sad news was confirmed by Ms. Montag’s publicist, who said, “Heidi is going through a difficult time and hopes people will respect her privacy.”

Well, kittens. Mean Betty hardly knows where to begin! Are the phrases “going through a difficult time” and “respect her privacy” the subject of a six-credit course at Publicist University? Is there a rubber stamp with these words? Do they sell it at the Publicist Supply Store?

Considering the money that publicists get, Mean Betty suggests they put on their thinking caps and come up with a creative alternative. And no, “going through a very difficult time” does not count.

To be fair (and Mean Betty is nothing if not fair), Ms. Montag ‘s publicist isn’t the first to go on autopilot. Representatives for Halle Berry, Jessica Simpson and Katie Price (the British Heidi Montag – now there’s an achievement) have also begged for consideration during their clients’ well-publicized crises.

Read Mean Betty on Kendra Wilkinson’s Sex Tape

The lesson, little ones? There are Celebrity Difficult Times—and there are Real People Difficult Times. Celebrities break up with boyfriends or girlfriends, husbands or wives. Real people lose their jobs or their houses or a family member. Those are difficult times, Ms. Montag.

But Mean Betty is not without sympathy for our little starlet: After all, she has endured three very long years with the fascinating Mr. Pratt, who regularly issues statements like “We’re the most famous people in the world.” And his hair, darlings! However does he manage to make it one inch long yet six inches high? With hair like that, it’s not difficult to believe that he was, as Ms. Montag says, “isolating and controlling.”