What does “sexy” mean to you, kittens? Does it mean stick-thin models? Curvy vintage pinups? Laugh lines? There are many different definitions of “sexy”—indeed, there are probably as many definitions as there are people in the world—and that’s what makes it such a fun word.

Men’s Health magazine has just released their list of the 100 Hottest Women of All Time, and Meanie is, to say the least, a little disappointed at some of their picks. While Meanie does appreciate the inclusion of such sirens as Clara Bow, Bettie Page, Brigitte Bardot, Raquel Welch, and of course Marilyn Monroe, try as she might, Meanie just can’t square with the idea that the number one sexiest woman of all time is… Jennifer Aniston.

Yes, kittens. Rachel from Friends somehow beat out Mae West. Pardon Meanie one moment while she drowns her confusion in her morning bellini—

—Ah, that’s better! Bless the butler; he does work wonders with a peach and a bottle of bubbly. But Meanie digresses! Back to the matter at hand: How on earth did Jennifer win herself this title? To be honest, Meanie isn’t sure. This, kittens, are Men’s Health’s reasons for bestowing this undeserved honor upon Jen:

“Funny is sexy, and Jennifer Aniston is funny—she was invited to join Saturday Night Live before her big break with Friends. Her down-to-earth persona makes her seem attainable, and anyone who's seen her in Office Space has to admit she makes even pieces of flair look good. She rarely plays the airhead, and she seldom overplays a role: she's funny in a quiet, refreshingly human way. And her all-too-human love life off screen inspires sympathy that not even a string of bland romantic comedies can diminish. Other sex symbols drift toward one-dimensionality, becoming flat icons in the process, but throughout her career Aniston has remained sexy, funny, and unmistakably real.”

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Now, Meanie understands wanting to go with someone unconventional. In fact, Meanie has long considered unconventionality to be much sexier than any sort of cookie-cutter norm. But Jennifer?... Well, let us simply say that Meanie does not find her all that unconventional. Meanie also doesn’t find dear Jen terribly funny, and given that Men’s Health is using “funny” as their primary criterion… Meanie is sure you can see where the problem lies, kittens. Jen has made a career more or less playing the same character over and over and over again; she has, indeed, starred in “a string of bland romantic comedies” (He’s Just Not Into You, much?); and she lacks the one quality that the best of the funny bunch invariably have: the all important ability to laugh at herself. When something unfortunate happens to Jen, she doesn’t admit it hurts, then crack a joke about it. Rather, she walls in it, sometimes for years (see: Brad Pitt). Is Meanie alone in thinking that wallowing in self-pity is just about the least sexy thing any one person can do?

Meanie’s own personal preferences for what “sexy” means may lean more towards the classic than the contemporary, but lest you assume that this is the only reason she thinks that Jennifer Aniston is far from the sexiest woman of all time, rest assured that this is most certainly not the case. Meanie was extremely pleased to find such glories as Christina Hendricks, Penelope Cruz, and Cameron Diaz on the list (though Meanie is a little aghast at how far down Christina is—only number 87? Surely not!). Sexy is, in fact timeless.

But Meanie still thinks this:

Is sexier than this:

QED, kittens.

XO,

Mean Betty