Hello, kittens – Mean Betty doesn’t often concern herself with the health of celebrities, who no doubt have more than enough boytoys personal trainers and boytoys cooks to do that for them. But, as it turns out, there has been a devious demon lurking in Hollywood, luring naïve, trusting stars with its seductive promises of energy, focus, and revitalization.

Mean Betty is referring, of course, to vitaminwater.

Surely, poppets, you’ve seen those luridly colored beverages with strangely worded promises of miraculous health benefits that can be yours for only $1.29! And the titles: Spark! Revive! Defense! Essential! Who could resist?

Certainly not Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Paris Hilton, Taylor Lautner, Taylor Momsen, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga and Jon Gosselin—all of whom have prominently consumed this bizarre beverage while doing their difficult daily tasks like walking through airports looking annoyed. There’s just one problem, kittens: vitaminwater is really not all that healthy.

Read Mean Betty on Lady Gaga’s Vanity Fair Drivel

Furthermore, poppets, vitaminwater’s manufacturer, the Coca-Cola Co., has actually suggested in a current lawsuit that their claims for the water are so ludicrous that no consumer could reasonably be expected to believe them. In other words: We’re telling you it’s healthy, but it’s your fault if you believe us!