It's Okay Not to Like Him

How to decide if the guy you're with is the one for you and what to do if he isn't.
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It’s Okay Not to Like Him

How to decide if the guy you’re with is the one for you and what to do if he isn’t.

-Kristin McGuiness

rejection dating

Almost three years ago, I met a Harvard-educated lawyer by the name of Jeff. Jeff was handsome and funny and really quite nice. Even my mother, who has never been in a rush to get me to the altar, had wedding bells chiming in her head when I called her after our first date.

“He sounds so cute,” she gushed.

“He is,” I said, but I could hear the tightness in my voice, the reservation that somehow cute was not enough.

On date two, Jeff was equally charming, taking me to a lovely restaurant, and lavishing me with attention at the party we attended afterwards. As we drove home, I was practically begging myself to fall in love with him.

“He’s amazing. Come on, do it, do it, just like him. Do you really want to be single forever?” the greedy, wedding-hungry side of myself taunted. I looked over to find him watching me at a stop light, I smiled, and tried to pretend I liked it.

By the time we reached our third date, I knew I couldn’t do it. Because as much as my friends all agreed that he sounded perfect, he wasn’t for me. This inability of mine to “get used to someone,” had kept me single for a while, and I feared I might be single forever. People liked to say I was picky, but the truth was, I was just too damn honest. I wanted to like him. I really, really did, but pretending to like him was just not an option.

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Recently, I had a friend go through a similar thing. I watched as she grimaced her way through saying that everything was fine, I grimaced while she searched for the words to explain her feelings for him, and finally, when she was tired of saying, “I’m getting to know him, you know?,” she found out he was on, getting to know other people.

Clearly, the AshleyMadison thing was not her fault. What it did speak to was her underlying feeling that something wasn’t quite right with the guy or their relationship. She is still trying to figure out what she learned from the whole affair, but I think the lesson is simple: it’s okay not to like him. Just because he might want to buy you a three carat diamond, and a house with great hardwoods, there needs to be more.

After “He Sounds Perfect” Jeff and I ended, I started to really evaluate what I wanted in a person. In fact, I made a list. I wrote down the top things I saw as redeeming qualities in a romantic partner based on certain criteria:

Read on for her criteria!…

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12 thoughts on “It's Okay Not to Like Him

  1. This is a good topic that not many people talk about! He can be a great guy, and all of your friends may love him, but if there’s no spark, you shouldn’t pretend.

  2. Unfortunately I’ve had too many realtionships where I just didn’t want to be alone. but it’s being alone that teaches you what you really want out of a relationship in the end.

  3. I met a guy that everyone liked. A lot. I let myself get railroaded into a relationship because everyone I introduced to fell for him. Except me. Listen to your inner voice. If something doesn’t feel right- it isn’t.

  4. That’s right- true feelings cannot be forced. A former friend of mine used to judge me when I’d go out with guys he thought were great on paper who wound up being duds. He’d realize later the guy was a loser after getting to know him.
    When I started dating my now husband, he said he wasn’t attractive and got mad at me when I agreed my man was right on a topic they disagreed on ( my ex-friend did drugs- and my guy asked him not to get into his car with them because we don’t and didn’t need to be reponsible God forbid we get pulled over- my ex-friend denied it and I didn’t stick up for him because he was turning into a DRUGGIE!)
    My hubby is adorable, with intelligence to spare. When we did get married, my ex-friend insisted I not plan anything without his input. He didn’t even return my call when I called to say I was engaged! He came to the wedding, with no gift, stole money from one of our guests, and I haven’t heard from him in years. He got fat, bald, and a mutual aquantaince said he was in court with his dad a few months ago. He’s 36, still lives at home, still does drugs, and can’t keep a job, and has no man.
    Point of story, listen to your instincts, not your friends who are not YOU in the dating sitch!

  5. @girleegirl: It takes a lot of maturity to realize that, because I think many people get into relationships to avoid being alone. I can relate on the epiphany of what you learn about *you* during your alone periods. At 31, I actually haven’t dated very much at all, because many first dates my friends or family liked did not feel right to me and I didn’t want to pretend for the sake of their opinions. Many times, my instincts were right and the guy wasn’t as perfect as he appeared, so I blessedly avoided some really bad seeds. But I have a lot of friends and family who still jump from relationship to relationship looking for a savior of sorts, and they still don’t understand why those relationships often fall apart. I guess some have to learn the hard way a few times.

  6. Good suggestions…I think it is important to have an idea of what is important to you in a relationship. I just got out of one and there were so many good things….so much of my list was there…but my heart just wouldn’t go in. I have never had that happen before, usually I fall in and don’t have all the clarity. Think you are right, you can’t force the feeling if it is not there…and if it is there then there can be some adjustments made on the must have list.

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