I Slept With My Friend’s Husband!
Ask Your Friend…Ask Your Shrink: A woman finds herself in a sticky situation after having sex with her neighbor.
-Libby Keatinge and Dr. Morris Halperin
Dear Libby and Dr. Halperin,
I have a big problem. So, my neighbor and her husband are friends of my husband and I. I wouldn’t say “close friends” but we see each other at school functions as our kids are at the same school, and I also see her around the neighborhood as we live close by. I heard through the grapevine that they were having problems and that he had been staying in a hotel lately. Anyway, one night I went out with some girlfriends and we went to the lobby of this hotel, as it is a happening bar in the lobby. I saw the estranged husband and he ended up coming over to our group and having drinks. At the end of the night, it ended up just us, and we went up to his hotel room and had sex. I had to go home so I left and didn’t spend the night. He has texted me a couple of times but not really pursuing anything, just kind of “Hey, how are you?” I have a relationship with my husband that has grown into kind of a mutually agreed “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation. We are together for our kids and good co-parents, but our relationship grew cold partly as a result of a surgery he had a few years ago that made him unable to have sex. He told me, hey, I know you need to have sex, I won’t ask about it. I can’t give that to you anymore.
Anyway, so my question is not regarding my marriage, as I am fine with what has happened. I would never date this man I slept with, but would consider a sex-only relationship. My question is more about his wife. Do I need to say anything? Or should I just not rock the boat and leave it a secret?
-Feeling a tad guilty in Westchester
What has happened has happened and you definitely can’t undo what you did. I actually don’t see the point in going out of your way to tell this woman that you slept with her husband. If you eventually become closer friends, or in the future you become closer with this woman, then yes, you cannot develop a close friendship with this woman without telling her about what happened. That would be deceiving.
As for now, I don’t really think her husband is the guy with whom to get your sexual desires met. The arrangement that you have with your husband is fair, and he seems like a very open minded, forward thinking individual. Be grateful for that. But do not abuse his respect by disrespecting him and sleeping with men in the neighborhood.
I think you need to set up some boundaries for your sexual activities: like no sleeping with friends, parents of kids’ friends, etc. You need to keep this activity safe and private.
As for now, you have to let the neighborhood husband go. It will only lead to trouble.
Read what Dr. Halperin advises next…