Recently, I decided to stop being gay. Shocked, ladies? Don’t be. It’s just an experiment to help you write the best online dating profile ever.

To start, I put on less expensive jeans and went to a popular dating site I used to frequent as a gay man. Once there, I popped open a beer (in a can!) and changed my preference from “seeking men” to “seeking women.” So far, being straight was easy. Then, in my lazy heterosexual male way, I only limited my search by proximity (10 miles from West Hollywood, California). What I got back surprised the gay right out of me! There were 118 pages of results, with like 18 totally hot women on every page. That’s over 2,000 women for me to potentially bang, screw, and boff (ewww, that felt weird, forgive me, I’m trying!).

Read 5 Secrets About First Dates - From Your Gay Best Friend

That’s a lot of tail (help, now I can’t stop). So, ladies, how can you hope to stand out in the online e-crowd? Here’s how…