How To Get Out of Wearing a Bathing Suit This Weekend
Some of us are not as thrilled this is the official kickoff to summer!
-Melissa Chapman, marriedmysugardaddy.com
While my kids are both just itching to stash their books, don their bathing suits and run across our lawn under a sprinkler without a mere nudge from me, I am nowhere near as enthralled about the prospect of this weekend being the official kickoff to summer. In fact there is no way on this gd’s green earth I can wear a bathing suit yet, because that “diet resolution” I made back in January never quite yielded the results I anticipated (on which I blame on the fact that I refuse to give up food).
I’m 4 feet 11 inches tall. The only way I can get into a bikini at this stage of my life is to subsist on one meal a day of greens and lots of water. (I mean c’mon folks there is simply NOWHERE to store pounds on my tiny frame — it all just stays right there- — and of course settles in all the wrong places!)
When I was 20, and thought the extent of my confidence was based on my physical shell, I did starve. And if you got too close to me I may have even tried to bite your head off (not only because I was always so hungry, but because I was always in a bad mood from being so hungry!). And no I don’t think I am at a stage where I qualify to be on the Biggest Loser, but I also know that I’m not willing to give up earthly pleasures like chocolate in order to be able to strut around in a bathing suit, sans cellulite. So what’s a mama like me to do?
#1. Use the old standby — Aunt Flo has come to town. Yes it’s true, I’ve been using this excuse since High School PE class. Worked like a charm. Still does.
#2. Get one of those bathing suit skirts. I know, not the most flattering but definitely a step above the large white men’s t-shirt that, as soon as you submerge it in water sticks to your body and shows every last dimple on your thighs.
#3. Pretend you are Mrs. Roper and explain that you’re rocking a bohemian chic look to the beach. Get a snazzy moo moo, dress it up with beads and a floppy hat and sunglasses and then spend the afternoon under a beach umbrella complaining to any passerby who will listen about your husband’s low libido.
#4. Or … just do it. Find a bathing suit (preferably one in a solid shade of BLACK that is pure 100 percent Lycra!) and hope for the best.
Of course I will likely be going the route of Tip #1… what about you?!
Melissa Chapman blogs about her marriage and everything in between at www.marriedmysugardaddy.com. Her work has appeared in The Staten Island Advance, Care.com, ABC News, BlogHer, Baby Center, Momtourage, Lifetime Moms, Babble, The Washington Post, Time Out NY Kids and iVillage.