How Can I Let My Husband Know I Want Better Sex?
Dear Amber: I just got married two months ago and am wondering if you can help me out. I feel like sex between my hubby and me is good. But it could be better. Whenever I try to bring it up he automatically changes the subject and I can see he gets really uncomfortable. And when he does let me get it all out, nothing changes. I tried sex toys and lingerie, but nothing seems to work. What do I do?
Amber: If your husband gets uncomfortable when you bring up the issue of sex, then perhaps he’s the one who really needs to be talking. Many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex, especially if they’re talking about their own sex life. But it’s also possible that your hubby is having a sexual insecurity or concern that he hasn’t told you about (and it’s clearly affecting your sex life).
Whether or not that turns out to be true, however, keep talking. In general, start conversations about sex with, “I love having sex with you, and I was thinking we could try _________.” Starting out a conversation with, “I think our sex life could be better” or any statement along those lines is sure to put your man on the defensive. To get him to open up, say something equally as non-threatening like, “is there anything you wish we’d do more often?” or “is there something you’d change about our sex life?” When you do make a request, make sure that it is specific. Maybe your husband isn’t changing anything because he’s not exactly clear on what you want to be changed. Really articulate what you mean by “better.” Do you mean more spontaneous, more passionate, more variety, longer lasting, kinkier, or more often? Then, explain your request in simple directions that he could follow. For example, “by more passionate I mean I wish you’d kiss me more, spend more time touching me, and that we’d have more foreplay.” It could be, your husband is very open to changing up the routine, it’s just that you’ll have to really spell it out.