Help! I Am Sleeping With A Married Woman
Ask Your Friend…Ask Your Shrink: A guy is torn over his relationship with a married woman.
-Libby Keatinge and Dr. Morris Halperin
Dear Libby and Doctor Halperin,
I hope you can help me.
Here is my basic question with a little background. How does a married woman say she loves me but has sex with her husband, saying it doesn’t mean anything to her?
I’m involved with a married woman. I am very much in love with her and she tells me she loves me. She also tells me she doesn’t love her husband. She needs to be in the loveless relationship/marriage for a while longer because of her family situation and culture, she is in a conservative east-Indian family. She doesn’t have any kids. During this time she continues to have sex with her husband because she can’t avoid it. Is it possible to separate sex from love and intimacy? I know for myself, in order for me to have sex, I need to feel the love and intimacy. Is this possible for a woman? or would I be wrong in asking her to completely avoid having sex with her husband?
Thank you so much for any advice you can provide.
Dear P – It seems that the woman you are sleeping with is confused. I really don’t buy that she “has to be in the loveless relationship/marriage for a while longer because of her family situation and culture.” No one HAS to do anything. She is still in it because she wants to be and perhaps that is related to money, stability, fear of being alone, or fear of being a failure in front of her conservative family.
She clearly is not happy in her marriage, or else she would not have hooked up with you. It is not to say that her feelings for you are not genuine. It could be true that she loves you and no longer loves her husband, but for some reason she is still with him.
You really need to outline what your goal is here. Is it to be with her alone? It seems that you love and care for her, and obviously you have a problem with her sleeping with someone else – not to mention you are putting your health at risk. Is her husband sleeping with other women? She may say no, but how do you really know? There could be STDs all over the place in this situation! I’m assuming you are using a condom, but if not, you are putting your life at risk!
If it is important to you to have her for yourself, then you need to let her know that and she can’t keep playing between you and her husband. I think you are making it too easy for her by not expressing your needs.
You two should talk in a mature way (I recommend in the daytime without alcohol involved) and tell her how you feel and ask what she wants and express what you want. The most important thing is: This is your life! Do not let her dictate the situation. If you want her for yourself, tell you no longer wish to sleep with her until she has ended her relationship with her husband. If you ultimately decide you don’t mind sharing her, which it doesn’t really seem you want, then go ahead, SAFELY! Most importantly, do what is right for you and makes you happy!
Read on for Dr. Halperin’s advice…