I lived alongside an empty apartment for a few months. It did come with its perks: like being able to get my mail in my robe and having no one bang on my walls when I was blasting Adele at midnight. So, when I saw the moving truck pull up, I kind of got annoyed. It only took a few minutes before I found out that my new neighbor was named a woman named Hailey. She was a 28-year-old dental hygienist who made Megan Fox look like an ugly duckling. We became friends within an hour of meeting each other. It didn’t take much longer than that before I started feeling insecure when I hung out with her. I mean, the girl was gorgeous ... and me, well I know I’m not ugly, but I’m not going to be on the cover of Maxim anytime soon.

Despite our obvious differences of appearances, Hailey and I had a lot in common. We both grew up with families who moved around a lot, loved jeggings, and enjoyed cheesy Jennifer Lopez romantic comedies. Most importantly, we were both single. Hailey told me that she just recently left her ex who she referred to as “The Dog,” because she found him doing the nasty with his ex-girlfriend (I assumed that was how he got his nickname). We both agreed that she and I needed to hit the clubs together to meet some men.

Read Desperate Dating: My Fake Online Dating Profile

Our nights out on the prowl always started out great. We would dance our asses off to Gaga and play "Marry, Screw, or Kill" while drinking Mojitos in our corner booth. By the end of every night out, I would head home alone while Hailey would be heading to “Anyrandomman’s” humble abode. In short, Hailey received more male attention than 75 cent wing night at Hooters. I knew the girl was clearly a knockout but, come on—not one guy for me? With Hailey as my sidekick, I couldn’t even get to be some drunken dude’s last resort. The only guys that did pay attention to me were the bartenders. That was only because I was (and still am) an awesome tipper. It was getting ridiculous! I knew that if I wanted to get free drinks and ever have sex again, I would have to lose Hailey like a bad habit.

My plan was simple. I had to get Hailey to go back to where she came from—or at least, out of my local bar scene. Lately, she had mentioned to me that “The Dog” kept texting her love poems. Maybe this guy really wasn’t that bad? I mean, I know he cheated on her, but maybe he really felt some remorse. Who am I kidding? Well, I had to at least tell myself that so I wouldn’t feel like a desperate, jealous and horrible person. I went over to Hailey’s apartment and I used the bitter single girl’s old stand bye. I gave her crappy love advice. On purpose. I told her that “The Dog” made a mistake and that he must feel so bad about it. She should forgive him and give their relationship another shot. She actually agreed with me and told me that although she’s had some fun with the locals, she couldn’t get “The Dog” off of her mind and out of her heart.

Hailey moved out of my apartment complex and out of my single scene a couple of weeks later. I helped her pack up some boxes and even gave her my Maid in Manhattan Blu-ray edition. Hey, it was the least I could do.

My life went back to normal. I returned back to the clubs with my equally attractive girlfriends. I knew I would always have to deal with the Haileys (or is it Haileii?) of this world; I mean, I couldn’t get rid of them all. However, I am 34 years old and still single. I knew a man was never going to try this simple, but satisfying cup of soft serve when the hot fudge sundae was staring at him, flashing her pearly whites.

The single life can be a war sometimes, and sadly, there have to be some much hotter girlfriend casualties. With Hailey gone, my dating scene was still quite pathetic, but at least I could have one.

Tell us: have you ever gone out with a group of women and been completely ignored by the guys in the club?

In a previous life, Gianine Nelson was a college student studying Nutrition and working in the medical field. After spending time contemplating the human condition, she decided her addiction to donuts and writing about the crazy world of dating was her true passion.