Desperate Dating: My Fake Online Dating Profile
Why is it guys like the trashy online profile and not the real ‘nice girl’ me?
– Gianine Nelson
Here I was again, home alone on a Friday night. I’ve been single and dateless for a few months now. My endless ordering of Papa John’s and On Demand porn have cost me more than my yearly turnpike pass. I knew I should be out there mingling and scoring a free martini and some digits from “Mr. Right Now.” However, my energy level was low. Dating required too much maintenance. Just the thought of getting a Brazilian made my crotch hurt. It was then that I decided to do the lazy girl’s style of dating. I joined an online dating site. Hey, all of the Match.com commercials with those loving couples couldn’t all be a lie, could they? And, the old dude from E Harmony had to be legit, right? Besides, the thought of being able to date from the comforts of home, while sporting my sweats seemed frigging fabulous. I grabbed my laptop, logged on and began my dating journey.
My profile looked amazing. Hell, I didn’t even realize what a catch I really was! I used my very best photos, the ones where I had Spanx and tons of concealer on. I listed my interests as follows: loves traveling to exotic locations, wine tasting, tennis, literature, skiing, and moonlit walks on the beach. You know all the hobbies that you never really do, but they make you sound more interesting if you say you do them. I included my vast array of academic honors from the overpriced schools I attended and explained how I didn’t need a man in my life, but instead, wanted one. This was complete bullshit. Just the other week I was bribing my alcoholic neighbor Hank with a case of Bud to come over and kill a spider I found in my shower. However, wanting versus needing a man made me appear to be less co-dependent than my competition, so I used that line. I paid the monthly fee, sat back and waited for the courtships to begin.
Every evening during the following week I would anxiously check my email awaiting notes from my potential suitors. Every evening I would have absolutely zero responses. I didn’t even get a request for a nudie shot from a pervert! What the hell? This upset me more than Facebook changing its format. Am I that unappealing? Really? I thought something had to be wrong with the site or maybe my credit card was denied because I charged too much pizza and porn on it. Feeling rejected and confused, I decided to head on over to my best friend Renee’s house for some R and R: Reese’s and red wine. Renee listened to my recent dilemma as she served me my well-deserved treats. Just like me, she had no clue why my dance card wasn’t filled. She suggested that I just ditch the whole online dating idea and meet guys the old fashioned way—by pretending I was lost so I could ask them for directions.
I left my car at Renee’s and walked home because I was intoxicated and on a huge sugar high. After I made it into my apartment, I did what every bored drunk does when they are alone; I started taking stupid pictures of myself with my cell phone camera. Then, I did another thing every bored drunk does when they are alone. I posted them on my online dating profile. Okay, so maybe it’s just me on that one. Anyway, I posted about ten pictures of me making idiotic faces sporting total bed head while dressed in my usual late-night attire. It’s an old Bon Jovi concert tee and wrinkled flannel pajama pants. I then began the daunting task of, well, pretty much changing my whole profile. My new interests were roasting marshmallows over my gas stove, watching documentaries on UFOs, playing Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” drinking game, and collecting weird stuff like Snoopy salt and pepper shakers. Basically, listing the stuff I actually do partake in on a bi-weekly basis. Finally, I erased my semi-lie about not needing a man, along with my education list that looked like I was applying for a job rather than a date. Then I passed out.
The next day I woke up feeling the same way I used to the morning after I went out on a date—hung-over and wondering why my sheets were off of my bed. I also woke up to over 40 emails from men wanting to date me! It seemed that the tangled hair, semi-desperate, uninhibited, and little alien obsessed real me actually intrigued a whole lot of men! Who knew men actually wanted us to just be ourselves? I called Renee to tell her the good news, but she was too busy asking some cute guy for directions to the post office. After chatting for an hour or two with my online boyfriends, I headed out the door to go get a Brazilian. Hey, if being comfortable in my own skin was desirable for men; I wanted to at least make sure it was smooth for them.
In a previous life, Gianine Nelson was a college student studying Nutrition and working in the medical field. After spending time contemplating the human condition, she decided her addiction to donuts and writing about the crazy world of dating were her true passion.
Tell us: have you ever fibbed (a little) on your online dating profile?