Betty Blogger
Debating Dating a Lesbian
Does gay evoke more clout than stigma these days?
-Heidi Isern
Oh, just another Friday night in San Francisco … wearing the cashmere "it" scarf at the start of summer, pairing wine with sopressata sausage,and debating being set up with one of the city's new power lesbians.
Yes, you heard that right. I ate pork and debated dating women on the same night.
My friend Mazz and I went to a fabulous new wine, cheese and salumi paradise. While waiting to be seated, we met two amazing women - Bonique and Lisa. The two well-dressed ladies knew their wine better than the sommelier at Gary Danko. Mazz swooned as Lisa hand picked the perfect matches to our upcoming plate of aged chevre and fenneled fancy pork bits.
We assumed Bonique and Lisa were like us, fashionable females taking a break from men to have a friendly girl dinner. After laughing over city tales, we decided to join the ladies for dinner. Four girls is always better than two, right? During the first course we chatted about B&L's shared hobbies, shared art collections and shared Sonoma real estate. Shared? It finally dawned on us that Bonique and Lisa were much more friendly than friends...
The two were the dynamic duo of the 2000's. Sexy, wine-savvy, and well-invested even in the worst of financial crises. And they were gay.
Gay, however, seems to evoke more clout these days than stigma. Today the word "lesbian" does not mean butch or jock or drab. Rather it means power, sophistication and open mindedness. Svelte Bonique and Lisa could somehow reference art, politics, Manolos and stinky cheese in the same sentence. While chatting to B&L, we noticed another lesbian couple across the room giving each other a dainty kiss over a $200 bottle of wine. They were also wearing Chanel boots. Lesbian women rock.
Could I too enter the realm of the hip homosexuals?
Perhaps it was all the wine, but it appeared that this category of women had everything on my list. They could deliver where no man had been able to. Now, could I just convince myself to be okay kissing a girl's cherry Chapstick mouth?
Bonique read my tormented mind and offered to set me up with a friend of hers -someone who was a five-star restaurant regular, owned a yacht and competed in biking. This person was also a woman; a tall blond-haired, blue-eyed, leggy woman.
My mind raced to the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte tried to get in with the city's power lesbians. It seemed such a beautiful world. I remember she was so ecstatic to be in a world where everyone had her same interests and dreams. The magical place where people talk Wall Street AND Vogue. But I also remember that in order to stay in this world, she had to be okay with a little beaver. And I do not mean the woodland creature. Could I beaver it without cringing?
I pondered Bonique's offer for a set up. Let's face it. While a yacht ride may be nice I don't think I can be more romantic with a woman than crying together during Love Actually. For when it comes to a partner's sexual equipment, I sure am biased toward the male version. Sadly, I had to give Bonique and her entourage the "Let's just be friends" line. But unlike my statement deliveries to most men, I sincerely meant it. These women are too much fun to lose completely.
Read Heidi's last blog, "Four Flirting Pitfalls"
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Every lesbian I've ever met has been a complete bitch to me behind my back. But girls don't like me anyways.
Stereotyping ftl.
What your hypothetical foray into the fabulous world of lesbians fails to recognize is the years of shame, inner struggle, harassment, and yes, stigma, that the vast majority of lesbians face. How did your parents take it when you came out to them as straight? Oh right, you didn’t have to come out. Well when I told my parents I was a lesbian, they kicked me out and stopped paying tuition for my ivy league education. How fabulous is my life?
In reality, gay people as a whole are no more fabulous, rich, or beautiful than anyone else. You may have forgotten, but they are PEOPLE. Lesbians probably look like your mother, or your sister, or your teacher, or your doctor, because guess what, lesbians are all of these things. It’s sad that someone as educated (I’m assuming) as yourself was shocked when you came across a lesbian that --gasp-- looked like you. Well, I hate to tell you, but these lesbians have always been there. You just failed to notice them because--what was it? Oh right, lesbians in your mind were “butch or jock or drab”. I hate to tell you, but in reality, lesbians are average, ordinary people. The very act of separating them into a unique category, as your article so nicely does, is exactly what is still wrong with society.
And as kitty so nicely put it in comment #2-- “Yeah -- gee -- being gay is so "cool" -- unless you want to have equal rights and be allowed to get married”. So sad that the government wouldn’t recognize your fabulous lesbian relationship as legitimate…
To answer your question, no, gay does not evoke more clout than stigma. Maybe in your idealistic world where you can flip on a switch and be a “lesbian” for a night, it does. But for many of us who live everyday as lesbians in a generally misogynistic and homophobic society, stigma and struggle frame our very existence.
Please know that these postings are never meant to offend or disturb and I do apologize if I have done so. This column is meant to be a satirical approach to San Francisco dating, not a fact based article or politically correct editorial. As a Californian I have fought hard against proposition 8 and any other measures that try to limit rights based on sexuality. I have gay friends and family and truly do empathize with the constant fight for equality. My blog postings are meant to poke fun at stereotypes, strange dating encounters, and constant struggle to find happiness with ourselves and our love lives (or ahem, lack thereof). Gay, straight, alpha, or geek....if we cannot laugh at ourselves than the world is a dire place indeed.