Ask Your Friend…Ask Your Shrink: I Am In Love With Two Men
One woman cannot pick between her two lovers: and doesn’t want to!
-Libby Keatinge and Dr. Morris Halperin
Dear Libby and Doctor Halperin,
I am in kind of a situation, but I am hoping it can work out. I was dating Jason and I really like him and he basically calls me all the time and we hang out at least two or three times per week. After four months, he never called me his girlfriend and still referred to me as his “friend,” which bothered me, but I didn’t want to seem needy so I never brought it up. Then I met Andrew and began dating him. He also is very sweet and a really nice guy and very polite and courteous. He is married to a woman named Cynthia who is a good friend of his and they got married basically so she can get her green card. I have met Cynthia and she knows Andrew and I are dating and now Cynthia and I have developed a friendship. He is staying married to her for at least another year so everything goes through with her green card. Andrew and I talked recently and he said he really likes me and wants to see where it goes, but because of his “technically unavailable” situation, he said he would feel wrong holding me up from dating others until he really is “free,” but he does hope that after everything goes through with Cynthia’s green card, it would be ideal that eventually we just date each other.
The thing is, I never expected this situation, but I find that I really like dating two guys at once. I have a great time with my friends and family and neither guy is so close to me that they ask where I am or who I’m with. I have two choices when I have an event to attend or want to go to a movie and maybe traditionally this is odd, but I am very happy. I feel free and in control of my life and I really enjoy spending time with both of them! Basically, my question is, for respect, safety and health issues, what do I need to tell Andrew and Jason about my situation since I am sleeping with both and dating both – and I want to keep it that way?
-Loving Two Men And Happy In Houston
Dear Houston, maybe you are happy now, but I don’t think this is a long term situation. It seems like you have two kind of “halfway” boyfriends and even though you are happy now, you are eventually going to want the real deal. In this case, you need to keep your time open to meet the right guy, which I don’t think either of these guys is. You said you spend two or three nights a week with Jason as well as time with Andrew. I would really recommend cutting the time you spend back. I get it if it is easy and comfortable and you want a low pressure evening sometimes – and that is ok – once in a while. Your activities really should be more centered around going out with girlfriends or going places where you can meet a potential proper boyfriend.
I am all for having several guys who call you and give you attention – it boosts your ego and you do not appear desperate and eager when you meet someone new, because you already have two waiting in the wings. So, I actually encourage you to keep them around, but do not ever drop plans where you could meet someone to hang out with them. For example, if you have plans to go with your friend to her friend’s birthday party, where there will be a lot of single guys – you better go, and don’t you dare cancel to go watch movies with Andrew – because we all know that is a waste of time in the long run.
As for the safety thing, you absolutely should be using condoms with both of them. There are no excuses on that one, honey.