Ask the Mouthy Housewives: Sex Math! Our Numbers Don’t Add Up
Going from having sexytimes three times a day to having it for a few minutes two times a week can be a bit of a shock. What to do?
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My fiancé and I have always had amazing sex—for the first three years of our relationship we were intimate two or three times a day every day. But for the past year he has become un-interested in sex and more interested in cuddling in front of the TV, which I love to do, after sex.
Things have slowed down a lot, and I am starting to feel neglected. He is 29 and I am 28. Is it normal for a man to lose so much sex drive? I’ve tried dressing up, wearing lingerie and even porn! The most I get is me on top for 5 or 8 minutes two or three times a week. We are both fitness nuts (I am a yoga teacher beside my normal job) and I am insanely attracted to my man; I just wish he reciprocated my advances. HELP!!!
What Do I Do?
Dear Do Me,
Oh great, a math question. Fine.
Let’s say 2.5 times a day, every day for a year. That’s 912.5 sexes a year. Times three years, and we’re up to 2737.5. You don’t happen to remember what that .5 was, do you? It’s kind of bugging me. (Also, I now have my Lotto numbers! I’m out of this joint, suckers!)
Due to excessive sex over the last three years, I suspect that you broke his penis or have already had your lifetime allotment of sex. And probably some other people’s as well. (Thanks a LOT, by the way.)
So, definitely get him a checkup. But most importantly, talk to him.
It may be unrealistic to expect the three times a day sex (when did you get your TV viewing in?!), but if you’re feeling neglected, you need to have an intimacy discussion.
Some couples may find it awkward to have a candid conversation about sex; they expect it to just happen after all, but it’s worth talking about.
Discuss the things that you can do to get those numbers up (we have quotas to meet here, people!) and see if you can agree on a challenge. A friend of The Mouthy Housewives, Betty wrote a wonderful book documenting the 52 Seductions that she and her husband shared. Some great (and tried and true) ideas there.
So start talking. Find out if the two of you are going through a phase or something else is happening. And then turn off the TV. (Yes, it does pain me to type that.)
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.