Ask the Mouthy Housewives: Real Housewives of Backstab County, Episode 1
Married? Crushing on your best friend’s husband? Whatever shall you do?
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend and her husband have been married for more than 20 years. I’m married too, and all of our kids are good friends. Here’s the kicker: my friend’s husband has a BIG crush on me and I would love to shag his brains out. So far I have ignored it all, but my friend has definitely noticed. We live in a small community and obviously if I were to shag him all hell could break loose—something I am not prepared to put everyone through. When I’m not ovulating (ha) I can be quite rational about it and, in fact, feel resentful towards him for putting so much at risk.
I need your advice. Do I ignore him? Do I play along with it by being open and funny about his thing with me (in front of her)? Do I point the facts out to him or just throw caution to the wind? Thank you!
Hot and Bothered
P.S. My husband and I laugh about it.
Dear Hot and Bothered,
Right away I see the root of your problem. You were a rabid As the World Turns fan, possibly even a cast member, and now that the show is canceled you are trying to fill the void in your life with a personal soap opera. We could call your version As My World Implodes. Because that’s exactly what will happen if you “just throw caution to the wind” which I assume is a tasteless euphemism for “screw my friend’s husband.”
As many times we Mouthy Housewives see humor in things, I really don’t see how you can play along and be funny about this in front of your friend. How would that work? “Tee he he, Jon, you’re such a flirt. Jane, we all know your husband wants a piece of my badonkadonk. Isn’t that funny, your husband lusting after your friend?!”
Your only option is obvious: Ignore him. And by ignore him, I mean stop being around him. It’s one thing to appreciate that a friend’s spouse is a hottie and think she’s a lucky girl. It’s even acceptable to sometimes fantasize about sex with in-real-life people. But decency ends there and I think you know it.
P.S. What drug do you slip into your husband’s nightcap that he thinks it’s funny you want to shag another man? I might like to keep some stashed in case I ever run into Daniel Craig and shag him. I certainly want my husband to see the humor in that!
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.