Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely, models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they're happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m 28 and have been married for 2 years. The problem is that since we got married, we’ve had sex all of 15 times. (I’m counting!) We had premarital sex and he enjoyed it then; it was the first time for both of us.

But now he is full of excuses! When we go to bed, he’s tired, has a headache, or hurt himself “down there” while bathing, etc. I’m sure he isn’t cheating on me. Instead, he has the largest collection of porn in the city, and he spends a lot of time watching it. He masturbates enough, so everything must work “down there.”

When I ask why we don’t have sex, he says I don’t turn him on anymore. Other than the sex, he’s a great husband. But I’m still worried about our sex life and if I’m doing something to turn him off.

Can you help?

Signed,

Wife of Porn King

Dear Wife of Porn King,

Some people might advise you to make more of an effort to entice your husband, such as buying a wardrobe of kinky lingerie and practicing Kama Sutra. But then, some people are prime candidates for a lobotomy.

Others might tell you to turn the porn viewing into a couple’s experience and join him in the masturbation fest. But then again, others need their brain rewired through electric shock treatments.

Read Ask The Mouthy Housewives: Is Porn a Deal Breaker?

I, on the other hand, believe in taking the spiritual path to solve problems large and small, so I consulted the holiest of holy books, The Bible. In it, I found sage advice, which I think applies to your situation.

In OMFG 2:15, it said this:

Get thyself to a marriage counselor quickithly

I recommend you follow the scripture.

It also can’t hurt to drive your husband down to Hattiesburg, MS and let him room with Tiger Woods at the residential treatment center; it sounds like they have some things in common. Who knows, maybe your husband can not only get help with his porn addiction (it sounds as if he is addicted) but also on his golf swing too.

That’s the best I can do for you, oh Lady Wife of the Porn King. We Mouthy Housewives are astute when it comes to human behavior, but we’re also smart enough to know when a problem needs professional help, and sex addictions fall into that category.

Signed,

Heather, The Mouthy Housewives

P.S. What in the world is your husband bathing with, a Brillo pad?

The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world's problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to ask@mouthyhousewives.com. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.