Ask The Mouthy Housewives: He Talks Dirty and I Can’t Stand It!
Blech! What to do when he wants you to say “Oh Daddy…” and he’s not your father.
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely, models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been dating a great guy for about seven months, and everything is great–except for the sex. Well, the sex is great, but recently he introduced “dirty talk” which I can’t stand. I’m worried that if I tell him outright that I don’t find such talk sexy, he’ll be offended and things will become awkward. Must I suffer in silence? (And why do men think that we want to hear that they’re our daddy?!)
Dear Dirty Dilemma,
If only our sexually awkward moments were as funny as they were on Friends, right?! (Or am I thinking of a porn movie? No matter. The point here is that this sounds pretty awkward. Also: funny.)
I feel like you have three solid options here:
1. Tell him the truth, woman! Tell him that talking dirty turns you off, not on. This will feel awkward at first, but c’mon: sex is supposed to be awkward! (I mean…isn’t it?) When you have the talk, however, I suggest you be prepared to offer an alternative to the–ahem–dirty talk. For example, perhaps you’d be interested in him texting pictures of his penis? (I hear it’s all the rage!) Or perhaps you can do something with…feet? Rex Ryan seems to be an authority on the matter, if you’re looking for suggestions. See also: Andy Dick.
2. Another option is to beat around the bush (heh) and come up with some sort of compromise to the dirty-talk option. For example, try learning “Daddy” in…I don’t know…Inuit or something. This way he’s getting what he wants, and you’re able to pretend it’s not really happening!
3. OR! Be passive aggressive! Who the hell needs a fulfilling sex life and sense of self-worth anyway?! The next time he asks you who your daddy is, you could answer him directly: “My Dad is Bob, remember? Balding? Mustache? Affinity for Dockers trousers?” Or be like, “Oh! That’s right! I forgot about Father’s Day! Let me go call him…be right back!” Keep in mind, however, that this option will not only put the dirty-talk issue to rest, but the relationship as well. In addition to your sex drive. And ability to get future dates. Guys are weird like that.
I suppose there’s always the possibility that you’re simply sexually incompatible, but this sounds like a common hiccup and something that, with a little communication (and maybe some therapy) could certainly be worked through.
Go get ‘em, tiger!
Kristine, The Mouthy Housewives
Tell us! How do you feel about dirty talk in bed?
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.