Ask the Mouthy Housewives: Cleanliness Is Next to Annoying Your Girlfriend
Instead of cuddling after sex, he leaps into the shower. What’s a girl to do?
-The Mouthy Housewives
Joining us here at BettyConfidential … The Mouthy Housewives! These lovely models of decorum (Kelcey, Wendi, Marinka, Kristine and Tonya) want our lives to be as fabulous as theirs, thus they’re happy to ignore their families to give us smart, cheeky advice. So pop open a box of rosé, put on your favorite Barry Manilow CD and let the Housewives Swiffer away your troubles … Every week they’ll be answering burning questions from readers.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The second my boyfriend and I are finished having sex, he rushes to the shower. I wish he’d stay and cuddle with me, but he told me that this is just his way. Is there anything that I can do to change him?
Eh, A Little Sweat Won’t Kill You
Dear A Little Sweat,
Look, we hate to blame the person seeking our advice, but this is mostly your fault. Because if you didn’t un-handcuff your boyfriend immediately after sex, he wouldn’t be running to the shower. So keep those restraints on until you’re done cuddling and your problems will be solved.
Or just beginning.
I assume you’ve already considered and dismissed the possibility that he’s married and wants to get rid of any sexual evidence before returning to his wife and kids, you harlot. And you’ve probably tried the old standbys of keeping a gallon of body sanitizer next to the bed and throwing yourself gracefully, yet forcefully, across him, pinning him down with your thigh?
If that doesn’t work, I suggest taking a page out of parents who’ve been sleep-training their children and letting him cry it out. When he gets up to take a shower, grab his arm and plead with him to stay. He will probably insist on going to the shower, with promises to “be right back!” but try to hold on a little longer. The first day, a minute or two; the next day five minutes. Within a month, he’ll be by your side for a glorious post-coital hour. Either that, or he’ll be having sex with someone else. (Let us know!)
Or you could try the honest approach. Tell him that you’d love to spend some time together before he jumps into the shower and see if he’ll accommodate you. Otherwise you can always join him in the shower.
Don’t drop the soap!
The Mouthy Housewives spend our days solving the world’s problems and our nights playing classical piano and reading fine literature. Or maybe just yelling at reality TV shows. Need our help? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org. (All questions are confidential.) And you can find more smart, cheeky advice at The Mouthy Housewives.