Greetings, pets! As the air turns crisp, the leaves turn gold, and Lindsay Lohan turns Donatella... Mean Betty is sure you have a pressing issue on your precious little minds: WHAT TO GET MEAN BETTY FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

Oh – how sweet of you to ask! Mean Betty hasn’t even given it a moment’s thought. Your greatest gift is your undying devotion, kittens. But – in case you do insist on showering Mean Betty with presents, here is a helpful list of things Mean Betty most certainly, unequivocally, does NOT want:

1. A “Sharon Cardigan” from Agent Provocateur

Mean Betty appreciates the sweet nothings in life as much as the next girl, but Agent Provocateur, darlings, is this a joke? Did the word’s preeminent sexy lingerie company really create a cardigan covered in penises? And is it truly $500?

The product description says: “Softest cotton and silk cashmere mix cardigan in classic AP colours, wear with pride. Luxurious pearl drop buttons complete the look.”

Wear with pride?

Complete the look?

And just, pray tell, what "look" might that be?

Mean Betty is most amused to note one can also purchase the “Sharon Top” for a mere $290 for a truly remarkable twin set.

So much for the art of subtle seduction, hmmm pets?