Tiger Woods could use some sextual healing. The famous golfer’s list of infamous liaisons is growing longer by the second. (He’s now 12 over par on rumored affairs with various women – including two adult film actresses.) Those allegations were just corroborated by a string of steamy sexts between tawdry Tiger and alleged mistress Jaimee Grubbs.

Tiger and Jamiee’s sexting sessions (published in the New York Post) veer from naughty to jealous to banal. And frankly, they both come off kind of lame.

Read The Dos and Don’ts of Sexting

Here’s one exchange where you wish they both had spell check – and imaginations:

Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday

Tiger: what kind of present your naked body

In another naughty convo, first Tiger shuts Jaimee down, then encourages her to photograph her naughty bits:

Tiger: don't text me back till tomorrow morning. I have to many people around me right

Tiger: send me something very naughty (Oct. 18, 3:40 p.m.)

Jaimee: some things are worth waiting for lol ... besides im at work

Tiger: go now to the bathroom and take it

Jaimee: haha ur too much

Hey Jaimee – he iz 2 much. Because he’s married. Later on, you really start to feel sorry for the girl. She makes a golf joke, and when Tiger doesn’t respond for an hour, you can practically hear the desperation clicking out of her thumbs:

Jaimee: if we hang out on a Sundway we can watch desperate houswives again haha (Sept. 30, 3:38 p.m.)

Tiger: oh god

Jaimee: take a break from watching boring old golf

Jaimee: I mean the amazing sport of golf ;)

Jaimee: [more than an hour later] babe I was kidding

Tiger: I know sexy

This, ladies, is the trouble with sexting. What you imagine are private, precious missives between you and your paramour, inevitably end up as front-page fodder. (Maybe not in actual tabloids, but trust me when I say that locker rooms and Facebook are just as awful.)

No matter how sexty you think you’re being, those naughty notes invariably sound icky, grody and/or hysterical to outside parties. And if you think this sexting is just an embarrassment for unfaithful sports stars and politicians, you’re wrong. Sexting scandal can happen to you!