In the Bedroom
Testing out the BlowGuard
Does this new device really improve oral sex?
As a dating columnist, I get some rather interesting links sent to my inbox. The latest was for something called the BlowGuard. Tagline: “It takes the job out of blowjobs.”
Finally – a sex toy for lazy people!
The BlowGuard is a vibrating mouth tray that’s designed to prevent teeth nicks AND “intensify his ecstasy with powerful vibration.” Apparently men can also use it on women, but they haven’t managed to write a tagline for that usage yet. (“It takes the fun out of cunnilingus” doesn’t quite have the same ring).
The BlowGuard costs $27.95 and comes with a complimentary pack of cherry lube. I clicked on the Web site (be careful, there’s an incredibly NSFW “demonstration” video on the site) and quickly ordered one for myself. For PROFESSIONAL reasons. And also because – who doesn’t want to own a secret weapon for smooth sailing ecstasy with a cherry on top?
Only two days later, a plain brown package arrived on my doorstep. The sex toy elves had paid me a visit! I ripped open the envelope and out tumbled my BlowGuard.
I pried open its plastic shroud and held my brand new BG proudly in my hands. You have to insert the bullet shaped vibrator yourself, which requires a bit of effort and 10 minutes of liberal swearing. I also had to sort out whether the BG was a top or a bottom in terms of which set of chompers it covers. The package came with no instruction, but after a quick browse through the Web site, I learned the BG is intended for your bottom teethies.
With those technicalities straightened out, I was ready to have my mind blown. So to speak.
Unfortunately, my lusty anticipation quickly fizzled. Once in my mouth, the BG had the look and texture of cheap fake teeth you might have bought for Halloween. When you were 10. Because you wanted to be a vampire. But then they made you gag so you spit them out and your costume sucked. So to speak.
Also, the BG’s “one size fits all” claims are completely off the mark. No matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t get the BG to sit squarely on my teeth. It took up so much room in my mouth I couldn’t fathom having space for … er … anything else.
If I’m going to stick unflattering and uncomfortable trays in my mouth for 30 minutes, I better come out with shockingly white teeth at the other end.
On the positive side, the BG’s vibrating attachment was shockingly powerful. It’s only an inch long, but it had my whole cranium shaking. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but the attachment could come in handy as a fun, discrete “gift with purchase.”
To be fair, I didn’t fully test the BlowGuard as intended. (I’m a lady, people. And I also happen to be single right now.) But I did come up with a comprehensive and rigorous approximation.
I invited some gay male friends over to get their opinion.
When I heard the doorbell, I bounded downstairs with the BlowGuard in my mouth. The vibrating attachment stuck out beyond my lips, and I began to choke a bit, so I had the look of a horse frothing at its bit as I opened the door.
My gay boys greeted me with a mix of disgust and hysterical laughter.
One of them said to me, between gasps of giggles, “If you came anywhere near me with that thing in your mouth, I’d completely lose my erection. And I’m not saying that because I’m gay.”
Exactly what every girl dreams of hearing.
We did a “hand” test and a “banana” test and decided the BG has some real flaws. It appears it might hurt and/or mutilate an appendage more than it would help.
But still, we got hours of ecstatic laughter for only $27.95. It’s a small price to pay for that kind of pleasure.
Final verdict: The BlowGuard as a sex toy leaves us rather limp. But as a hilarious gag gift, it’s a titillating treasure.