Should You Kiss in Front of Your Kids?

PDA and your children – how much is too much?

-Kim Jack Riley

Ask me when was the last time I saw my dad kiss my mom, and frankly I’d say “never.” I mean, I wasn’t at their wedding, but I was born shortly thereafter, so I suppose they must have kissed at some point. Anyway, who has time for intimacy and affection after the babies are born?

I do remember when my own daughter barged in one night to ask “what we were doing.” As we scrambled for cover, I responded, “Daddy was just tickling me.” She was only 3, and the answer seemed to satisfy.

I’m sure we can all agree we need to keep that bedroom door locked for certain, ahem, occasions, but when it comes to kissing, snuggling, handholding and nuzzling, the limits of Public Display of Affection (PDA) are different in every household. In our house, it’s involved finding the delicate balance between my cuddle-loving husband, and me the ice witch. It’s not that I don’t love him; I just don’t openly display it. So what do you say? Is it OK to kiss in front of your kids? How much is too much?

In my experience, the PDA between parents has a mirroring effect on children. My dad didn’t kiss my mom, I don’t often smooch my husband in public, and my 12-year-old daughter has officially ruled out all kisses and hugs for herself at the moment (though she’s not adverse to seeing us hug on occasion).

We’ve all had our share of close calls when we ‘forgot’ to lock the bedroom door, but what do kids think about even low-key displays of affection between their parents? I took the question to the streets and surveyed ten boys and girls ages 12 to 15:

“I hate it when my mom and dad touch or kiss each other,” said Brandon (13). “I mean, they shouldn’t be doing that stuff in front of me.”

Judging by the furious head nodding, all the boys agreed. Adding food for thought, Mike (14), says “I wouldn’t really be against PDA, but my parents are divorced, and I don’t want to see my Dad nuzzling his dates on the couch. I don’t really want to get that attached.”

Psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, PhD, agrees. “For parents who are dating, your kids should only know that your date is your ‘friend’ -- both from how he or she is introduced, and from your behavior. It's too disruptive for kids to be afraid they'll have to deal with a new stepparent, even before they know the person.”

The girls had an interestingly opposite reaction. “I like it when I see my parents holding hands,” said my daughter (12), “because it makes me feel safe and that they love each other.” Her friend Sara (13) shocked us all by adding, “If we don’t see our parents making out, how will we know what to do?”

Before I could remind Sara to “do as we say, not as we do,” she added, “If there has to be hanky panky going on in the house, it should at least be restricted to the bedroom.” The boys proceeded to run screaming in disgust out of the interview room.