I’ve been a mother for almost five years now, and I’ve learned that the older my daughter gets, the less I feel I know about child-rearing with absolute certainty. As I prepared for motherhood, I read all the requisite books—and a few more about parenting an adopted child, since our daughter was coming to us from China. Now I realize that none of the books can possibly unravel the true mysteries of parenthood. Sure, they can teach you about what milestones your child should hit as she grows, but when it comes to deciphering the day-to-day goings-on of childhood, and the parental craziness that goes along with it, you’re on your own. Here’s my list of the top 35 brain teasers that I’ve pondered over the years.

1. Why do so few toys with sound come with a volume-control button?

2. How did the goodie bags at kids' parties wind up costing more than the present for the birthday child?

3. Do the shows on Nick Jr. end five minutes before the half hour just so kids are well into the next show before we can get them away from the television?

4. When did scheduling playdates become more complicated than planning the annual family vacation?

5. Why does Buy Buy Baby have a whole wall of different baby bottles to choose from?

6. Why don’t celebrity moms just come clean and say they don’t eat anything for six months after giving birth?

7. What will it take for mom-from-hell Kate Gosselin to finally go away?

8. When did quilted shopping-cart covers become required equipment for toddlers?

9. If you cover your kids in Purell after every encounter with the outside world, why do they still get the sniffles every two weeks?

10. What could possibly justify a stroller costing $800?

11. Does anyone really make glitter that washes off?

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12. Why would anyone want their three-year-old to dress like Mariah Carey?

13. Who are those crazy parents that allow their little girls to participate in beauty pageants—and have reality-TV producers tape the whole spectacle?

14. Is there any way to convince teenage girls that Uggs are the ugliest shoes ever made?

15. How long can a child eat the same exact meal without dulling her taste buds forever?

16. When did it become necessary to buy school supplies in July?

17. Why does time go so slowly if you get to school 15 minutes early for pickup, but flies if you’re five minutes late?