You thought he was the one. Turns out, not so much.

Congratulations – you’ve just made the best decision of your life! (Whether or not this was technically “your” decision is of little importance.) I know, I know, it probably doesn’t feel like something to celebrate. In fact, you’re probably asking yourself, Now what am I supposed to do?

Relationship coach and author Lisa Steadman tackles that tricky question in her new book, If He’s Not the One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong and What it Takes to Find Mr. Right.

I just went through my own breakup, so when I read what Lisa wrote down after a huge break-up in 2003 (“I’m thirty-two and single again and I feel like a total failure at love”) I decided we needed to chat. Like, immediately.

Read 8 Warning Signs He’s Breaking Up With You

Your book encourages women to trust themselves and move forward after heartbreak, even if it’s an extremely scary proposition. How can women get themselves unstuck and stop obsessing over what could have been?
First and foremost, it’s important to let yourself have those feelings and fears of “I'll never meet anyone again!” That's just a natural part of our healing process. But what usually follows those thoughts are a downward spiral of lack, scarcity and the belief that your ex is going to move on to an amazing life without you. That's where we get into trouble.

By getting stuck on our ex’s future, we forget to think about our own. We forget that we now have the chance to reinvent ourselves and our lives. We forget that the love we had with our ex wasn’t a mistake, it was actually part of our journey. And if we put our focus back on our journey, we can reconnect to hope, possibility, and the idea that one day we’ll actually meet someone more amazing than our ex, someone we never could have loved or appreciated without having gone through the relationship with our ex.