Betty Blogger

It's springtime, and love is in the air. As the weather warms, clothes come off and women and men check each other out anew.

However, I have noticed a very disturbing trait among many of my female friends. They do not know how to flirt. I watch charming men approach them at outdoor watering holes and shake my head in dismay as they immediately clam up, and even worse, run away.

In order to fully diagnose this problem we decided to classify the ladies into four categories of flirting failure. For only by understanding our behaviors can we truly start to change them.

The four flirting pitfalls women fall into:

1. The Cold Shoulder Bitch
This woman uses the cold shoulder as a defense mechanism. Even if she has been pining away for a man, reading Pablo Neruda poetry for months in his honor, she will appear about as interested in him as a girl in an orthopedic shoe store. God forbid he ever have the slightest clue that she may fancy him for more than a doormat. The cold shoulder bitch NEVER initiates conversation. But once in one, she may even go so far as to disdainfully make comments that highlight her indifference or even contempt. "Oh you graduated first in your class. Hmm...likely didn't have a social life did you?" Or "So you think you are sporty? Well I bet you haven't done an iron man like most of the men I know." In conversations she may make a point to stare at her watch or out the window, anywhere but into the man's soft brown eyes. Why, if she did that, she would lose all composure.

2. The Pathetic Introvert
The Pathetic Introvert is actually quite gregarious in other settings. But when approached by a man she likes she simply cannot stop staring at her shoes. When asked a question by her dream man she may mumble stutter, and say, "Ack I am so sorry.....I am just such a word klutz today" and then dismiss herself to go to the bathroom where she will try to give herself self-affirmations in the mirror before bursting into tears. If she manages to wipe clean her mascara tracks and reappear, she will be tempted to talk about the weather rather than anything controversial, feeling it may be safer. "Soo.....it's been really humid hasn't it?"

3. The Troll Lover
The Troll Lover prevents herself from talking to normal decent men by getting engaged in conversations with trolls-or unattractive Lord of The Ring Enthusiasts - just because it seems a safe bet. The Troll Lover doesn't want to appear rude and extract herself from the conversation, so she sits talking to them for hours rather then be whisked away by a shining knight. Oh yes, she will patiently listen to the troll's latest video game championship tales and fondness for Vienna sausages while trying to find something redeeming about her current predicament. If a non-troll (i.e., shiny knight) tries to rescue her, she won't allow it, thinking that she will go to hell unless she engages in her fair quota of dwarf conversations for the week.

4. The Show Off
The Show Off masks her feelings of inadequacy by feeling a compulsive need to let her current flame know ALL her achievements. Oh no, there is no gradual ‘unfolding of the blossom' in this case. On a first date the show off will let a suitor know her SAT scores, marathon time, favorite winery in Napa where they know her by name, as well as her fondness for daredevil stunts. She hopes to woo a man by intimidation and will never let it be known that she has two left feet on the dance floor or that it took her three years to be potty trained.

Most of my friends have self-diagnosed themselves as one of the four types. Several are considering flirt remedial school where they will learn how to give men soft touches on the arm, look in their eyes and rediscover their self-confidence. No one wants to miss out on flirting now that the hot weather is approaching. Cute sundresses, after all, need to be maximized.

Read Heidi's last blog, "Dating the Aplha Male"

Read Heidi's full blog