Do You Have a Fallback Guy?

Is that male "friend” of yours really your "back-up man”? Six signs that say he is.
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Do You Have a Fallback Guy?

Is that male “friend” of yours really your “back-up man”? Six signs that say he is.  

-Faye Brennan

Fallback guy

I felt so bad for Kevin Connolly’s character in He’s Just Not That Into You – he was totally Scarlett Johansson’s fallback guy. When she was single or things weren’t going the way she’d planned with Bradley Cooper, she’d call Kevin up and they’d joke and laugh together on her couch (oh yeah, and occasionally they’d have sex, too). She liked him, just not in that way – but she kept him around, just in case.

Sound familiar? You may be shaking your head no, but consider the following scenarios:

  • When all of your plans for the night fall through, you find yourself dialing his number because he’ll definitely want to do something.

  • But, when you’re initially making plans for a night out, he’s rarely the first person you call.

  • When you’re in a relationship, you completely fall out of touch with him.

  • But, after a breakup, he’s one of the first people you plan on having drinks with to “catch up.”

  • You’re completely yourself around him (i.e., your burping, not-showered, sweatpants-wearing self) because you don’t look at him in a romantic way.

  • But, if you don’t happen to find “the one,” you kinda think you’d be able to live a long and happy life with this guy.

If any of these six situations apply to one of your guy “friends,” then face it, girlfriend – you have a fallback guy. It’s definitely not the worst thing in the world, but it could lead to trouble, according to Catherine Cardinal, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of Men to Run From. It all depends on your specific circumstances.

Read Moving On After My Breakup

“A fallback guy is great because he’s someone who allows you to just be yourself,” says Cardinal. “He’s a good person to help you pump up your self-esteem and reclaim your self-confidence.”

We couldn’t agree more. Just like you can with your best girlfriend, you can hang out with your fallback guy without worrying about trying to impress him or having to look your best. You don’t feel that pressure, because you simply don’t consider him to be the one for you. If you did, you’d already be dating. Plain and simple.


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0 thoughts on “Do You Have a Fallback Guy?

  1. uptowngirl says:

    Great story – I never had one, though.

  2. Girleee310 says:

    Good for the guy great for the gal!

  3. sabina says:

    Never had one…

  4. petite says:

    I guess nowadays most girls have ones…. the friends with benefit fall into this catagoty : fallback guys. Cheers.

  5. citymouse says:

    as long as both parties are cool with it, this is a great back-up plan! (–and who knows…)

  6. CrazyB says:

    Maybe the fall back guy is “the one” – we have to stop looking for the one who gives us butterflies, no matter what, they eventually go away. Maybe it’s time to find the guy who will just stick around at the end of the day and treat us right…

  7. FFlotus says:

    crazyb has it right… you should look for a best friend first and romance will grow.

  8. ImJack says:

    well now ain’t this special? it was a suspicion of mine for a few years as to why this one girl in particular kept me as a “friend” for the past decade. now i can see why and will no longer be allowing her to set me aside whenever she goes off chasing after her latest find (she has a weakness for lead singers in going nowhere fast bands) she simply has no real clue but, i guess she could be described as a gold digger of sorts, a modern day god miner. well i’m packing my gold and heading for a woman that knows that one who has a steady stream of gold is far more lucrative than one who has spurts of richness. good time to change my phone number.

  9. Tabby says:

    I’m definitely guilty for this.. it sucks too because when i get in a relationship, he gives me hell, and when he does i give him hell. I’m more worried about losing him as a friend if we did date. I mean ultimately I’d like to end up with him, but, as bad as this is, just not right now.. He knows I do this, and what I want. He’s ok with it, he said he is giving me “growing time”

  10. fastest2 says:

    Wow! As soon as I read this, I really understood who they are and that I have one! Poor guy…

  11. SxyLatina71 says:

    I’m guilty, too. I have 2 or 3 that are (now I know what to classify them as) “fallback guys”.

  12. gemshan0601 says:

    FF is the key words,, F****g Friends…
    i use to have one…

  13. lamaestra13 says:

    ha! i used to be a guy’s “fall back girl” until I confronted him directly. I told him I couldn’t wait anymore and cut off all contact. I felt so used…

  14. Asha777 says:

    Reality! I know a lot of people who have these so called “Fall Backs”.

  15. Kristal Beth says:

    friends first then romance definitely

  16. KelliInSF says:

    Yes, I had a fallback guy who I married 3 years later. Best decision I have ever made in my life. We have been married 5 years and have a very happy marriage. :cheers:

  17. Sgt Heart says:

    All most like a spare tire in your car. Don’t leave home without it. Both boys AND girls drive.

  18. Dude says:

    I’m the “Fallback” tool for the widow chick down the street. It’s hell, cause she wont let me get lovey with her; just lets me eat her out and wants a quick bang. Then she boots me out and goes to the Student Center at SIU-C college and picks up guys, or sees her friend-with-benefits dude and blows him. What pisses me, is that her lady friend wants to bang me, but she said “no, he’s mine!” Crap, I’ve only boinked her 26 times in 3 years, and need I remind you that there’s 365 days in a year, huh!?! sonneymcdey@yahoo.com in need of sexually free and giving women. Here in Marion, Illinois. Equal opportunity tuna diver; and age/race/size.

  19. kit says:

    OMG… I’VE BEEN TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE FOR YEARS!! NOW, I SEE, HE HAS BEEN MY FALLBACK GUY.
    GUYS, THIS IS SO TRUE!! I’M JUST GLAD THAT I FINALLY MADE THE DECISION TO END IT BC I KNEW THAT IT WAS HURTING HIM MORE… SMH…

    WOW… I FEEL LIKE CRAP…

  20. t33ni3 says:

    I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE, I HAVE A FALLBACK GUY. HE’S BEEN AROUND FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS NOW. ITS WEIRD CUZ THERE’S SO MANY ISSUES WITH THIS GUY BUT THERE’S ALSO GOOD IN HIM AS WELL. EVERYTIME WE TALK OR WE GET AROUND EACH OTHER THEW CHEMISTRY IS IS LIKE FIREWORKS! THE BAD PART IN ALL OF THIS IS THAT IM STILL MARRIED BUT SEPARATED FROM MY CHEATING AND CONTROLLING HUSBAND. HE STARTED AS JUST AS A FRIEND TO TALK WITH TO MORE THAN THAT. THATS NOT WHAT EXPECTED TO HAPPEN AT ALL. HE KNOWS MY SITUATION BUT STILL WANTED TO BE FRIENDS. ONCE I GET A DIVORCE I DON’T WANT TO JUMP BACK INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP ANYTIME SOON. I WANT TO DEFINITELY FOCUS ON FINDING MYSELF AGAIN AND MY CAREER NOT A MAN.

  21. neuralgia7 says:

    i have a fallback guy now,and im falling in love w/him coz he is smarter, funnier and more sensitive than my ex,it’s not that hard to move on when the new one is better, though i still think of my ex,but im just thinking all things happens for a reason.i deserve to be loved.:)

  22. RegularGuy says:

    Great article. I just realized that I am “that guy”. I have had several friends that are females that I was into but sadly, I was the “fallback guy”. I was in the constant cycle of being in the “friend zone”… even best friend territory. I’ve respected women and cared for their needs my whole life. I have been a true friend to women, helping them back on their feet after the breakup or broken hearted, helped prepare them for their next boyfriend, all the while being nothing but a tool for their use. It is depressing to me to realize I have wasted so much time, emotions, and energy in relationships that will never happen. Every time one of them get a boyfriend I get put back on the self for later. Half my life I’ve been the fallback guy while my guy friends use chicks to get what they want and dispose of them. I am 31 years old and am sad and tired of being thought of as a “safe good friend”.

  23. 1961cuda says:

    I had a fallback guy for a couple of years… actually I’ve had several… but they were always good friends who felt the same way I did… we were always up for some fun when we were both available… and my very favorite actually bragged about his status… we had a great time.. and hurt no one… probably still be hanging out sometimes if I hadn’t moved across the country…

  24. elisabethpark says:

    I married him. Best guy ever- The truth is that I always wanted to be around him because… I loved him.

  25. 2muchstac says:

    I have become friends with someone at work, who I have told my feelings to after going out about three times which I know now was a mistake. We r both very flexible easy going people and have still decided to remain friends because we have such a good time and r ridiculously alike. There has been nothing that we can’t talk about. I don’t feel she uses me because of the honesty we have with each other. I can read when she’s lying to me and she knows it. She is seeing someone else and I am willing to wait a while to see what will happen because she is worth it. If they do break up and we don’t hook up, then I am prepared to end our relationship.

  26. Texas Girl says:

    OMG! I do! Wow, I married my fallback guy….long story.

  27. julieissmart says:

    this so obviously hypocritical. if a guy does this, he’s a jerk, so if you do this to a guy , you are a loser and a user. no wonder you can’t keep a man. karma works , girls.don’t just talk it, live it. learn to love yourself first and be alone a little. grow up……

  28. Veela30 says:

    Ooh…I think I MIGHT have one right now haha. Oops…The thing is I’ve never ever had one before. We met and I approached him first, we’ve been on amazing dates, have so much in common that it’s awesome. The thing is…he’s not ready for a relationship and neither am I. I wasn’t like this until I not long ago broke up with my ex-fiance. I admit, I’m still healing and I’m still angry. I’m better though these days because of this new guy I’ve met. Hey…maybe I’m his “fallback” girl? =P We’re both honest though and that’s the main thing. We’re both adults and we’ve agreed to cont doing what we’re doing, because we’re becoming closer and better friends. I’m not saying having a fallback guy or girl is right. But if both parties are fine with it, then who am I to judge them?

  29. Kimea24 says:

    Amazing! As soon as I read the title, one person came to mine! I am so guilty of this. I know he REALLY REALLY likes me. He is a great guy, husband material, house, job, never been married, no kids. I just don’t see him like that. We have tried to date and we did good for a week, but the next week, we were back to the old ways. I don’t understand why I don’t feel the same way about him. He fits 9 out of 10 points on my “list.” Sigh… I am crazy! I have even tried to “hook him up” with a friend of mine. Of course his response was, “I want you!” lol I am sooo sooo guilty of this. What am I going to do?

  30. supervixen says:

    OMG I am so guilty of this – I never really thought of it like that, it was more of a “hes like my brother..” but yea thats not so right..

  31. trillian6 says:

    hmmmI had one of these in high school)25) years ago we ran w/ the same “cowd” so we hung out all the time w/o dating, he taught me sooo much about guys- it kind of back fired for me though because the leve; of comfort and honesty was hard to ffind elsewhere funny how discussingwhy y you don’t want to”go together” can make you feek so closeake you feelso close we went to lunch last week our 1sttreadatel and that comfort level and sense of connection is still there – we a r eboth happily married now so the “benefits”are over, of course – hough I know if I am ever single and ” in need” I could call him and he would come and vice versa call him and he would come and vice versa my husband and I have discussed this and he would inist on taking on this role in my life he says better some than none- plus we’ll nevrer know for sure anyway so who knows?

  32. shyguy-sdwyz8 says:

    Im usually that guy, always getting texts or calls about how horrible a guy treated her..yet again. I can relate COMPLETELY

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