A Sonnet for Snooki

As the Jersey Shore's breakout star campaigns for her own dating show, Snookin for Love, Betty's Poet Laureate has some words of wisdom for her favorite guidette.

A Sonnet for Snooki

As the Jersey Shore’s breakout star campaigns for her own dating show, Snookin’ for Love, Betty’s Poet Laureate has some words of wisdom for her favorite guidette.

-Betty’s Poet Laureate

Snooki

You introduced yourself as the princess of Poughkeepsie,
Then five seconds later you were way, way beyond tipsy.

Our first impression of you only got worse, dear Snooki,
You couldn’t handle your liquor and puked like a rookie.

You cried, packed your bags and kept threatening to leave,
We couldn’t care less what you did that early summer eve.

At first you were not our favorite, no, not by any means,
But then you got punched in the face by a guy from Queens.

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You were knocked to the ground, bloody, your eyes tearing,
Suddenly you turned from obnoxious to utterly endearing.

You won our hearts as did your poof and white hair clip,
And dazzled us with your trademark dancing back flip.

When you held your solo dance party on the boardwalk,
We begrudgingly admitted we’d watch you round the clock.

(Guys we know are mesmerized by your eating of a pickle,
They think you’re the best thing since sliced pumpernickel.)

We all cheered for you during the rough times at the shore,
By the second fight we swore to have your back forevermore.

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Again you got clocked in the face, though not by a teacher,
Your attacker this time around was a female “zoo creature.”

You really tried but had zero luck in love or in lust,
Every single guy you brought home was an absolute bust.

We thought you’d hook up with that one guy in the Jacuzzi,
But on the deck he started puking and even we felt woozy.

You’re looking for a juicehead who takes many a steroid,
Who’ll pick up when you call from a duck, iPhone or Droid.

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We’d love to observe the dating life of our pint-sized guidette,
A show called Snookin’ for Love — that’s your best idea yet.

We hope to see this televised, your guido-hunting expedition,
But in exchange for our viewership, we have one condition.

Please promise us one thing no matter your sexual frustration,
We’re begging, Snooks, no more hooking up with the Situation.

Betty’s Poet Laureate spends more time than she’d like to admit reclining on her sofa, eating grapes and writing odes to her home state of New Jersey.


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0 thoughts on “A Sonnet for Snooki

  1. Candice says:

    I love thissss!
    Love Snooki!

  2. livetogossip says:

    I think Snooki should go on True Blood as a guidette vampire and have a fight with Sookie over vampire Bill. Snooki vs. Sookie. I bet the poet could write something awesome about that.

  3. GidgetWidget says:

    I love this but it’s not really a “sonnet” (needs to have meter as well as the rhyming couplet) — I’m not sure what you would call this except maybe an “Ode” … Great stuff though. Can’t help but be a stickler for my favorite author of all time: Shakespeare. But Snooki and Shakespeare together — match made in dramatic heaven!

  4. khc1114 says:

    Haha this is amazing!!! I can’t contain my love/hate for snooki!

  5. kitty says:

    LOL! LOOOVE this! Oh Snooki, I hope you get your Snookin for Love show.

  6. Gossipgurl says:

    I’m ready to put this sonnet into the equation, as Ronnie would say. Awesome.

  7. cremebrulee67 says:

    Oh lord, she is such a skank! Let’s hope our daughters don’t go using her as a role model.

  8. miss_wilson says:

    ewww the situation!!

  9. leahbabes says:

    What a piece of trash.

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