5 Ways to Fight With Your Guy and Win
Ok — maybe not “win” — but at least get a resolution that makes you happy!
How you handle fights — or disagreements, as I prefer to call them — will greatly impact your relationship. Women deal with conflict in entirely different ways than men. If you want to communicate effectively with the man in your life, then you need to speak his language. Here are five tips on how to get through a fight with your relationship intact.
1. Think before you speak:
Women tend to be emotional and reactionary. Men don’t respond well to either of these qualities. They like calm, rational presentations. Take a moment (or a day) to get over the anger, gain some perspective, and analyze what you are upset about and why it upsets you, and then present your concern in a clear, concise manner. Never send an angry email right after you compose it. You can write it, but wait 24 hours and read it again, and even bounce it off a friend, before hitting send.
2. Don’t raise your voice:
If you want to be heard, don’t yell. You will only strain your vocal chords. Men are experts at tuning out the noise, and to them, yelling = noise. A better strategy is to use your “inside voice”. Imagine a baby is sleeping and you don’t want to wake it when you address what upset you. Mary Poppins said it best: “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down…”
3. Living off the (Facebook) wall:
Don’t air your dirty laundry on Facebook or any other social media platform. While it may feel good to vent to the world, there is nothing stronger than the written word and you can’t do a take-back on the Internet. If you want to scream “my boyfriend is an asshole” to the world, then go on a hike in the wilderness and when your reach the top of the mountain and are completely physically spent, scream to your heart’s content. You will feel better and you will still be able to make amends if you want to. If you tell all your friends what a jerk your man is being, your friends will forever see him in this unfavorable light. And, if he knows that you publicly blasted him, you may have no chance at redemption. Plus it makes you look emotionally immature and spiteful. Do you really want your family, friends, and coworkers to see your dark side? They will only be embarrassed for you.
4. Your opinion counts.
When women have a problem, the first thing they do is call their girlfriends for advice. They call and call and talk and talk and often hear the same advice over and over. If it’s not what they want to hear, they keep consulting girlfriends hoping one will finally say what they want to hear. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what your friends say; it matters what you think. Rather than draw everyone into your drama, sit with it in silence for a while. Go for a walk. Take a yoga class. Breathe. Clear your mind and the answer will become clear. Sounds like a fortune cookie, but Confucius says: “She who has a problem, also has an answer.”
5. Elephants never forget
But you’re not an elephant and you would hate to be called one, so don’t act like one by bringing up issues that happened six months ago. If you have an issue, address it presently—ideally when it happens or at the very least on the same day. You don’t scold a dog for eating your slippers three weeks after the event. He would have no idea why you were upset with him. Behavior modification with dogs works best if you reward and punish in the moment. The same is true for men! Resolve a problem quickly and clearly and put the issue to rest permanently. Leave the past in the past, unless you want to become part of the past as well—your man’s past!
Okay girls, stand up and fight like a man!
Lennie Ross is a writer with a blog on dating in Los Angeles. She recently published a chick lit novel, called Blow Me, which is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google Books, Lulu and on her website www.lennieross.com