Just Another Manic Mommy

Dear Manic Mommy: Help for a childless auntie! I have a 5-and-a-half-year-old nephew, an almost 3-year-old niece and another newborn nephew. My relationship with my brother has been contentious for years, and we're just now reconnecting. I'd like to see my nephews and niece more often, but I'm appalled by my brother's and his wife's parenting style. They think it's funny when the older boy steals money from his mother's purse. My sister-in-law maintains he's "saving it for her." They also told me, while laughing, that he accepts money from other students at school, where he tells them he is poor (his parents own two houses, a travel trailer and a business). He also has begun to use racial epithets, learned from his parents. What's the etiquette for when I visit them? I'd like to get to know the kids, but I won't tolerate that behavior. Can I enforce my own rules for them in my house without confusing the kids or undermining my brother and sister-in-law's ... um ... authority?

Manic Mommy: Yikes. Sometimes these questions and situations just stump me! With all due respect, I don't understand how parents can raise their children like this. So I'm definitely seeing your concern. It's almost like they are condoning thievery, trickery and racism.

I'd say that when you visit them you should speak your mind, but carefully and cautiously. If your nephew says something derogatory, just say, "Oh, that's not a nice word," or, "That's inappropriate." Keep it short, but try to make your point with subtle hints.

I'm guessing you can't really have a heart-to-heart talk with your brother, since you're just now reconnecting. Take things slow, keep an eye on the situation and stay watchful. And I'm not joking when I say watch your wallet during your visits as well.

If they're visiting your house, I'd say they should follow your rules, all the way, as you enforce them. If your brother doesn't agree, he'll either let you know or stop the visits, which will be unfortunate because all you want to do is have a good relationship with your niece and nephews. And to me it sounds like they could use a good role model like you! Lots of luck to you!