In her Words

Lies, Lies - to Impress the Guys

What the Hyatt hot-tub guy thought of my purse's contents

By: Carrie Seim

He had Orlando Bloom's eyes. He had George Clooney's grin. He had ... his shirt off.

Holy crap, I'd never shared an elevator, much less saliva, with a guy this hot!

We'd met earlier that day at a wedding. The bridesmaids dubbed him Brad Pitt, and I was seriously ready to adopt multicultural babies with him. Now here we were - nearly naked in the Hyatt hot tub. Brad gazed at me with soul-melting eyes. He caressed my cheek. My lips parted and I leaned forward, giving my hair a sultry toss.

Whhhammp!

Apparently my sexy hair needed some brushing. It tangled on my purse and sent it cartwheeling - spewing its contents like a sorority girl at a keg party.

Out flew my emergency stash of melted Reese's cups, an unpaid parking ticket, a reminder from my gyno's office. And then, horror of horrors - a massive pack of Cottonelle Toilet Wipes.

Yes, in the middle of what could have been my hottest kiss EVER, an economy pack of toilet wipes landed with a smack on the wet concrete.

We stared at the "Odor Free Fresh Pack" in deep silence.

Finally, Brad said, "Are those yours?"

I replied with the only word I could think of.

"No."

He looked around at the vast emptiness of the pool deck, and then back at me.

"Because they just fell out of your purse -"

"Someone must have put them there," I mumbled.

He squinted at me, confused.

"I said they're not mine!"

I scooped up the soggy evidence and ran away in shame. I scowled at the wipes, as if it were they, not me, who'd ruined my chance at kissing a real-life Zoolander.

I'm not sure why I lied. Perhaps it's a reflection of the pressure on women to be effortlessly perfect. Or perhaps it's just a reflection of my own bad instincts. I've been kicking myself ever since, until I finally confessed everything to the bride.

"That guy?" she asked, arching her eyebrows. "I lost my virginity to him. And it was awful. As soon as we were done, he asked if I had any paper towels to clean up with. Paper towels?? Totally unromantic."

So Brad had seen my wipes as a bonus - toilet-hygiene products were like foreplay to him!

I nodded, agreeing with the bride that the paper-towel thing was disgusting.

Then I asked if she might still have Brad's number.

Have you ever lied to impress a guy?