Woman to Women
She's not Your Mother, Amen
Your mother-in-law, postdivorce
By: Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing
You've been good friends with your mother-in-law for decades, so when she first learns that her son wants to start a new life (with his new babe), she threatens to write him out of her will. Here's what Beth's* mother-in-law said to her: 
• "He is a cancer. Cut him out of your life immediately."
• "How could he do this to you, the kids and the dog?"
• "WE have to get a lawyer."
• "Make sure WE get the house."
• "That dumpy little bitch."
Although your mother-in-law loves you, these lines of allegiance will inevitably break down. After all, the sun rises and sets with her boy. Plus, she needs someone to drive her to her mah-jongg game. Here are some clues that she won't be sitting on your side of the table at the deposition:
She stops inviting you to her Saturday-morning yoga class. Furniture shopping for her son's bachelor pad is her new path to inner peace.
When your husband comes back into your house to claim his possessions, she sends him with a typewritten list, which includes the cocktail-olive picks, KitchenAid mixer and Lladro figurines - none of which he ever knew existed.
Even though he left you 12 days after your third child was born - for Krystal, a stripper at a go-go bar in New Jersey - his mother makes a point of telling everyone, "There are two sides to every story."
She spreads the word that you're "more frigid than a meat locker."
A few months later she meets his new girlfriend.
"That dumpy little bitch" is now "such a darling girl."
Your son goes off to college right after the breakup, and she attributes his D average to "the poor teaching methods at that university." Never mind that Dad plans to have a new baby.
A year later, when you finally scrounge up a date, she admonishes, "What kind of example are you setting for the children?"
She has a strange new interest in tarot cards and tofu.
As much as all this makes you want to smash the Fabergé egg she gave you, take the high road. Sell that puppy back to her favorite antiques shop.
*This is an excerpt from Still Hot, the Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite, and Happily Ever After by Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing, published by Running Press. In it, you can read more about Beth and many other women who have realized their marriages are toast.
